The Night That Lasted For Twenty Years

They both just stared at each other for few uncomfortable seconds.

“Didn’t expect to meet you again…” Shruti initiated the conversation.

Ashwini merely nodded her head and studied Shruti. There was anger, lots of anger on her face. Ashwini had hoped that time would heal everything. Apparently, it wasn’t so.

“How are you?” She asked Shruti who shrugged at her question.

“Going on. What about you?”

“I am cool.” Ashwini replied back. They both stood feeling awkward.

They had unexpectedly landed together at a farm in the outskirts of the city. The farm owner had arranged a camping event for those interested in watching the meteor shower that was expected on that night. It was supposed to be a shower that would ‘turn night into day’, as the scientists had 

predicted.

Ashwini cleared her throat and said. “All set to watch the shower?”

“If it really happens…”

She’s not being really helpful, Ashwini thought with a little bit of regret. Just when she thought that any further conversation would be futile, Shruti spoke up.

“What are you doing now-a-days?”

“I am a travel writer. It’s a dream job as it combines both my hobbies of travelling and writing.”

“Plus, you get to meet a lot of people. You must be loving it. You always were very social.”

“Not any more. I prefer solitude to company.” Ashwini said in a low voice. “What about you?”

“I am a software programmer. I am working solely from home. Like you, I too seem to have developed a liking for solitude.” Shruti said and after a brief pause, she asked. “What about family? Are you married?”

“No! God help me, I am happily single. My parents are abroad and I visit them occasionally. My job keeps me pretty busy. Where’s your family?”

“Parents live here. I have taken a separate flat in the same building where they stay. It helps me to work uninterrupted and keep an eye on them as well. Not married, thankfully.”

Ashwini nodded thoughtfully. “It’s strange that we both ended up being single and are actually enjoying it.”

Shruti didn’t comment on that. She looked around. Everywhere small tents were being set up by hired hands in the farm. It was scenic. Mountains bordered the far end of the farm and currently, the sun was beginning its slow descent there. The sky was a kaleidoscope of orange, red and grey as the sunset painted the world red. A large area that was devoid of plantation was being used for the camp. Shruti guessed the number of campers to be around thirty.

“Come, let’s find a tent.” Ashwini gestured to Shruti and they both walked towards their tents, a world of questions, regrets and pain lying beneath the awkward silence between them.

The campers had a sumptuous home-made dinner which the farm’s owner had arranged for them. By nine at night, everyone had settled comfortably in their tents. Shruti and Ashwini had taken up tents next to each other, either coincidently or deliberately.

Ashwini came out of her tent exactly at the same time as Shruti stepped out.

“Going there...” They smiled lightly as both had said that at the same time while pointing to a small hill that lay on one side of the farm. They left together for the hill.

“The view is just awesome.” Shruti commented as they both lay down with their hands folded under their heads. They were gazing at the sky which was lit by infinite number of stars twinkling brightly.  

“I never get to see this at the city. So much pollution, so many artificial lights, so crowded…”

“I get to see a lot of this, you know. It’s a great feeling to lie down in the grass and know that you are watching the same sky which you were looking at, from the other side of the world somewhere at some other time. Everywhere I go, the sky remains unchanged.” Ashwini said almost lazily as she was feeling contented and blissful.

“You have become poetic.” Shruti commented with a chuckle.

“Maybe… Travel does it to you, you know. You start watching for beauty in everything around you, from the tiniest leaf or bud to the majestic mountain. You really start observing everything.”

“So this trip will be going on the records too?”

“Yes, definitely... And now it has taken a personal turn too.” Ashwini said carefully, looking over at Shruti who didn’t say anything for a long time.

“I wish I could turn back the clock and bring the wheels of time to a stop.” Shruti said after a while, looking at the sky so intently, it felt as if she were wishing that it would absorb her.

“At what point of time would you like the wheels to stop?” Ashwini asked, already having guessed the answer. She hoped Shruti would speak it all out and lighten herself.

It seemed to take forever for Shruti to answer. “That moment, when I didn’t hand over your letter to Kartik...”

A heavy silence permeated the air. Shruti turned over and looked at Ashwini who was looking at the stars.

“I know.” Ashwini said.

Shruti got up, totally stunned. “You know? How? When did you come to know about this?”

“Three years after we left college… I had called Rahul casually just to catch up with our old friends.” Ashwini said, referring to their mutual college friend.

Shruti took a sharp intake of breath. “You knew this all along… and yet, you are here with me today…” She hung her head down – shame, guilt and pain making it impossible for her to face Ashwini.

Ashwini slowly got up and put a hand around Shruti’s shoulders. “It’s okay, you know. It was really a long time back. It doesn’t matter now.”

“How do you even have the strength to say this to me?? I have ruined your life and yet, here you are, consoling me! Don’t be so kind to me. It’s killing me from inside! I don’t deserve you, your friendship or your forgiveness!” Shruti burst out into tears as the guilt and shame that had accumulated in her heart since the past two decades finally burst out in the form of heavy sobs.

Ashwini just held her shoulders and kept quiet, waiting for her to let it all out. She felt a deep pain in her heart for Shruti’s suffering and badly wished that they had met sooner.

“Cry as much as you want, Shruti. And then, when you feel calm enough, you can tell me why you did it. Speak your heart out today. I want you to get rid of those feelings which you have apparently suppressed in your heart since all these years.”

Her words only made Shruti sob harder and she fell down into Ashwini’s lap and cried out her heart. Ashwini stroked her hair gently, deep pain and compassion reflecting in her face.

It took a long while for Shruti to calm down. Even after she stopped crying, dry sobs racked her whole body, making it very difficult for her to speak.

“We were best friends since our childhood… How could I do such a thing to you?” She managed to say, stammering out the words as Ashwini shook her head and held a hand towards her cheek.

“No, don’t be so good to me. Hit me or throw me off this hill… I ruined your life! I took away the love of your life!”

Ashwini stared at her without saying anything.

“You, me and Kartik have been together since our school days. I knew you were in love with him right since childhood. And I knew the moment when he too fell in love with you. It was during our school picnic when we were in eighth standard.”

Ashwini turned her face to look the other side. Shruti’s words had brought a sweet and severe ache of memories and they were threatening to overwhelm her.

“You were playing cricket, or rather, trying to play. You kept missing the ball that Rahul was pitching and were laughing uncontrollably. I too was laughing until I saw Kartik look at you as if he were mesmerized. You really were looking very cute in that skirt and top, you know. With that short pony tail and clear complexion… You were glowing with happiness that day.”

Ashwini smiled sadly and didn’t say anything.

“It was then that I felt something pierce me like a knife. I couldn’t bear the idea of Kartik liking you more than me. I have always been territorial. I guess you know that about me. The wave of jealousy that arose in my heart baffled me totally. I don’t have any logical explanation for this. I didn’t even love Kartik. I just couldn’t bear that suddenly you got more of his attention than me.”

“You never forgave anyone who overtook you in any manner, be it marks, good looks or even competitions. You always wanted to be the first, be the winner.” Ashwini said this without any malice.

“And yet you never left my side. Even when I started cribbing if you got more marks than me... It was partly due to my inherent nature, partly due to Kartik. I was angry with you for having grabbed his attention.  All sorts of negative thoughts came to my mind. I started thinking that if and when you both became a couple, I would be the proverbial outsider, the third-person who would interfere with all your plans and who would shortly but surely become an unwanted nuisance.”

“If you really thought that, then you didn’t know me and Kartik as well as we thought.”

“I wasn’t thinking correctly. Jealousy had blinded me. I am not proud of what I thought or did at that time.”

Ashwini kept quiet and sat looking at Shruti who took a deep breath and resumed talking.

“Every day before leaving for school I would worry that may be Kartik would express his feelings to you and you would become a couple. I closely kept a watch on Kartik who became more and more enamored with you as the days passed by. I didn’t have to worry about you as you were always shy around him and never gave him any cause to know your feelings towards him.”

“Yes, he had that effect on me, you know. I could never look in his eyes for more than a few seconds. I felt terribly shy and conscious in his company. I was always grateful for the presence of you and Rahul as it made things less awkward for me.” Ashwini said sadly.

“I knew that… and I am ashamed to say that I took advantage of your shyness to never let you alone with Kartik for more than few minutes.”

Ashwini nodded her head and asked her. “So, about the letter…?”

Shruti gulped visibly and a look of utter shame crossed her face. “I was secretly glad when we finished school and Kartik still had not expressed himself to you.  Fate put us in the same college. And there, on Friendship Day in our first year, you gave me the shock of my life.”

Ashwini smiled. “I told you openly that I love Kartik and I wanted him to know it. I wrote a letter to Kartik where I had written my heart out and I gave that letter to you to deliver it to him as I was feeling too shy.”

They both sat quietly for few minutes, each relieving the day and moment when their lives had changed.

Ashwini frowned. “But, I saw you give him my letter.” She looked at Shruti with a confused expression on her face.

“I gave him a letter all right; it just wasn’t your letter.”

A look of understanding came over Ashwini’s face as she shook her head and laughed. “I knew it would be trouble when people started saying that even our handwritings match each other’s.”

“The letter which I gave him was written by me in your name.”

“What had you written in that letter that made him leave our entire group altogether?”

An infinite moment seemed to pass through before Shruti spoke in a very low voice. “I wrote that you love Rahul and that you need Kartik’s help to get Rahul to fall in love with you.”

Ashwini felt a mountain of grief and regret fall over her heart as she stared silently at the stars. They didn’t seem to shine as brightly as they had a little while ago. She heard Shruti sob quietly and felt perilously close to tears herself.

So this was the answer to the questions that had plagued her since almost two decades.

She had never really understood why Kartik changed his college right after the first year. She had assumed that may be he didn’t love her and her proposition had only made him feel awkward. But she had known that he would never leave the college for just a silly reason as this. What had hurt her most was, he didn’t even say goodbye to her. After the day the letter was handed over to him, she noticed that he spent lesser and lesser time with her group and had withdrawn unto himself. Even Rahul had stopped spending time with them. It was the most miserable time of her life as Ashwini lost everything at the same time – her childhood love and her best friend Kartik and her very good friend Rahul who had always been there for her with his rock support.

Her second question was also answered. She now understood why Rahul was so keen to end the call when she had called him, three years after they had all left college.

“Rahul was really angry with me, you know.” Ashwini said quietly. “When I asked him about Kartik’s whereabouts, he said it would be better if I didn’t ask anything about him at all after hurting him in a very bad way. He just changed the topic and ended the call within few minutes. That was when I realized that something was amiss.”

Shruti continued to sob while Ashwini said thoughtfully. “I sat back and remembered the day when I gave you the letter, trying to find out what exactly had gone wrong. What struck me first was your reaction. I remembered seeing your angry and shocked reaction when I gave you the letter. I remembered watching you go over to the loo before giving the letter to Kartik. I remembered the change in your expression, from anger and shock to something much more sinister… I slowly realized that somehow you were behind this entire fiasco. I never noticed this at that time because I was too nervous about the outcome of my proposal. It all came back to me that day after I spoke to Rahul. And today you have enlightened me and freed me from two questions which have been troubling me since I left college.”

Minutes, hours, ages passed between them as Shruti finally stopped crying and Ashwini tried to get rid of the feelings of loss and regret that were piercing her heart.

 “I am glad that you told this to me today. I hope you are at peace now.” Ashwini said.

“Do you know about Kartik’s whereabouts?” Shruti asked in a hollow voice completely devoid of any emotion.

“Yes, he is settled abroad now. Happily married and has two boys.”

“How do you know? Are you in touch with him now?”

Ashwini took out her cell phone and showed her a snap of a family… Kartik’s family... He looked older and happier. “I check his updates on Facebook from time to time. I have never contacted him directly. But I like to know that I can reach him anytime I want to. I never stopped loving him, you know. He was the one, the only one for me.” Ashwini said in a voice thick with emotion and grief.

Shruti no longer felt anything. She seemed to have exhausted her stock of emotions and tears. “Will you forgive me please?”

“Yes, I forgive you. Because you have spent the past twenty years in regret and guilt… No one should go through that, Shruti. Twenty years is a long time to grieve and regret. I forgive you, and hope you will forgive yourself too.”

Shruti nodded, unable to say anything. “Any chance that we can be just like before?”

An immensely sad look came over Ashwini’s face when she replied. “No Shruti. And it is not because of what you did… It is because of what I have become. Something changed in me after I left college. Parting from you all, losing Kartik and finally, my job… they all have made me long for solitude. I visit many places but never make any lasting friends. I enjoy the moment, that’s all. I can’t go back and be what I was when we were all together. That’s not me anymore. I hope you will understand that this has got nothing to do with you.”

“I fully understand. I didn’t expect that you will agree. I can see why.”

They both sat in silence for some time.

“So what do we do now?” Shruti asked.

Ashwini smiled brightly. “Now, we both make peace with our past and let it go. Then we will go our separate ways with forgiveness in our hearts.”

A sudden ‘oooooh’ from the crowd below interrupted their conversation as the first batch of meteors shot into the earth’s atmosphere with celestial speed. Indeed, the night turned into day as the burning meteors illuminated the sky with their brilliance and beauty.

Unconsciously, Shruti and Ashwini held hands and watched the sky in wonder. Shruti smiled, for the first time from her heart as the twenty-year old night of her soul ended and made way for a beautiful morning with the promise of flowers and spring.

The Goddess Outside the Temple

Nisha stifled a yawn and earned a hit on her elbow from her mother who was sitting beside her. She looked into her mother’s eyes and felt that they were asking the inevitable question – “Yawning inside the temple???”

Nisha felt a stab of guilt and tried to concentrate on her prayer book. It was a long prayer addressed to the Goddess. It was supposed to give peace and power to the reader. Ironically, Nisha felt neither peaceful nor powerful here. Going to the temple was something that she always dreaded. Firstly, she had always been intimidated by the Goddess. It probably had something to do with having a strict mother. Secondly, she didn’t believe that God or Goddess existed. Her excuse was the classic excuse given by half of the people of her generation – If there really is a Higher Power, then why is the world in such a state? She never really believed that prayers would help her to get good marks in her college exams or cure a broken heart. She was ‘practical’, she liked to say.

Nisha shook her head and brought her attention back to the book. The other ladies who were reading the prayer had advanced far ahead, she realized. She gave up her pretense of reading and instead looked around. She felt a pang as she saw devotion etched into the face of every reader. She longed for that kind of child-like faith and trust.

“Bored?” She heard the lady seated beside her whisper to her. She turned around and saw the lady smiling at her with amusement. She was very beautiful to look at. A large red Bhindi, black curly long hair and a very pretty face with a beautiful smile… Nisha felt unsure about how to react. She kept looking at the lady with a confused expression on her face.

“That’s ok. Even I am bored, you know…” The lady said.

Nisha smiled with relief and whispered to her. “This prayer is very long. I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes. I wonder how these ladies can read with so much focus and concentration…”

“Even I wonder that too. You know, you have to give credit to them. Not many people can do that. Tell me, are you fasting too, as it is Ekadashi today?”

Nisha automatically shook her head in response. “I can’t fast at all. In fact, the day I decide to fast, on the same day, I feel like eating more food. I keep thinking about food for the whole day. I tried once or twice, and then I gave it up.”

The lady laughed heartily. “It’s ok. If it is difficult for you, you should not do that. The whole idea behind fasting is just to cleanse your body and not to please any deity. I really don’t think any God or Goddess would want you to fast to give blessings to you. That sort of feels like a trade, isn’t it?”

Nisha decided that she liked this lady a lot. She was precisely saying those very things which Nisha always thought but was too reluctant to admit publicly.

“It’s so refreshing to meet someone who shares my views. I just wish I were as open-minded and honest as you are.”

The lady nodded her head with understanding and said. “In fact, I believe in a different kind of fasting. Just like people abstain from eating food on Ekadashi, why can’t we abstain from thinking negative thoughts for one day, twice a month? It would work wonders for our mind if we can go one day without any gossip, negativity, arguments or fights. What a difference it would make!”

Nisha was struck with the idea. “Why not everyday? Why for just two days in a month? This is an awesome idea!”

“Oh, you think it is that easy to stop negativity? You try it for two minutes. For two whole minutes, try not to think negative about anybody or anyone. Your time starts now.” The lady gestured to her watch and gave a challenging smile to Nisha.

“I can do that.” Nisha said confidently and sat silent. What does she think of herself, challenging me in this manner? I can do this! For two minutes I can stop thinking negative and I will show this lady what I can really do… Just when I thought I liked her… Shows, how wrong we can assume about people… I can do this.. I won’t think negative for… Nisha’s fell face when she realized that for the first whole minute she had already thought negative thoughts about the lady.

She looked sheepishly at the lady and saw her smiling with amusement.

“Agree that it is difficult?” The lady asked her kindly and Nisha nodded with a slight smile.

“You know what, on Ekadashi, along with abstaining from eating too much food, we should also refrain from thinking negative or being negative. It will be difficult at first, but I guess with time, we will learn. How wonderful it would be if for one whole day, we ignore everyone’s mistakes, we do not fight or argue or gossip about anyone and just let go of our ego totally! I wish people would do that…”

Nisha nodded and smiled at her. They both sat silent and looked around. The ladies were reading the prayer reverentially.

“You don’t believe in prayers, do you?” The lady asked Nisha.

“No, I don’t. It is easier to believe in prayers when you are a child and the world is filled with just happiness and peace. As I grew up, I realized that my deeds are more deciduous of my results than prayers. If I don’t study at all and attempt an exam, no prayer in the world can save me.”

“That’s also a good system of belief. When you know that your deeds will determine your results, you will act responsibly, I guess. It’s good.”

“What do you believe in?” Nisha asked the lady.

The lady thought for a while. “I believe that, to each one, his/her own way… At the end, no one is really going to make it alive. Whatever people find easier to believe, and whatever makes them strive to lead a good life, let them choose that. It’s as simple as that. Why to complicate with theories and proofs and beliefs?”

“Wow. That’s cool.” Nisha looked at the lady, thoroughly impressed. She looked at the deity of the temple. The Goddess looked serene and beautiful, but totally unapproachable, she thought. Immediately she felt guilty.

“Tell me something.” Nisha began hesitatingly. “Do you really think that God or Goddess exists?”

“Oh my, the Question of centuries!” The lady laughed lightly. She kept quiet for few minutes, seemingly pondering over the question. “Okay, what do you think?”

“I asked it first!” Came Nisha’s automatic response and it made the lady laugh again.

“Such a child. All right, I think that God or Goddess exists. There is a force which is the witness of the history of the universe. I won’t say it governs, but it exists and witnesses everything that has been happening since the beginning.”

“Very clever of you. By saying that the force witnesses and doesn’t govern, you effectively stopped my next question.” Nisha said admonishingly while the lady’s eyes twinkled with merriment.

“I know what you would have asked. Why do bad things happen if there is a Higher Power. Right?”

Nisha nodded her head and looked expectantly at the lady.

“Well, that’s a topic for another time to discuss.” The lady said and gave her a mysterious smile.

“Do you live nearby?” Nisha asked her.

“Yes, I stay very close to you, actually.”

“Oh really, that’s great to know!” Nisha said happily. She must be mom’s friend…

“I think the prayer session is over.” The lady gestured towards the ladies who had finished their prayer and were now seated with folded hands and closed eyes.

“I guess I can leave now.” Nisha said with relief. She was about to get up when she saw that the lady hadn’t risen. “Oh wait, I had the best conversation of my life with you and I didn’t even ask your name.” Nisha laughed and looked at the lady.

There was a sudden shift in the air and Nisha felt something stir in her heart when she looked at the lady who seemed to grow more beautiful by the minute.

“Ha, my favourite question! I am known by many names, but my personal favorite is Shri. It stands for everything that is feminine, auspicious and powerful. Just like me!” The Lady said with her mystic smile and as She smiled at Nisha, the latter felt wave after wave of love hit her till the universe was nothing but a huge ocean of love.

When Nisha recovered her senses, she realized that she was still seated inside the temple and the other ladies were still in the same position. It was as if time had stopped for few precious moments. She looked around herself and found that she was alone.

No, you are never alone. I am there, inside the temple and outside… I am there wherever you are.

Nisha’s eyes filled up as she heard the voice whisper to her and she folded her hands in supplication and fell prostrate before the deity of the temple. I believe… her heart said finally.