Who Took My Hibiscus?!

 I feel blessed to stay in a colony where greenery reigns supreme. Trees line up on both sides of every lane. The road that is the entrance to our colony has a divider made up of beautiful Bougain-vilea plants.   It is sheer delight to see the flowers that initially blossom in pink and gradually turn into white. Morning walks become a sensory experience, what with the greenery of trees, the aroma and hues of various flowers around and the excited chirping of various species of birds.

Flowers are in abundance too. Along with colourful Bougain-vilea, we have funnel-shaped flowers in hues of violet and white lining up the shrubs or sometimes weeds at the corner of the road. Cactus too blossoms in bright shades of yellow and orange.Almost every building in my colony has a mini nursery of beautiful plants at the entrance. Likewise, my building too boasts of a pretty mini garden. Hibiscus, cactus, the beautiful shankpushpi, also known as Aparajita and orange coloured star-cluster flowers prettily adorn the entrance. My father-in-law would pluck these flowers every morning and arrange them beautifully in a plate, to be offered everyday to the deities in our house-temple. He was very fond of flowers and even managed to create a small beautiful garden inside our home, with shankpushpi plants, rose shrubs and two creepers. Till he lived, he went down to the entrance of our building and brought in the flowers with great flourish. The more the flowers he got, the happier he would be. 

He passed away on 15th of September. We noticed that the shankpushpi in our house stopped yielding flowers from the day he died! Only after all his last rites and rituals of 13 days were completed, did the plant start blossoming again. 

In my father-in-law's absence, I started bringing in the flowers from the entrance. The ritual of plucking flowers is immensely soothing! I could relate to my father-in-law's happiness whenever I found lot of flowers on any particular day. The hibiscus gradually turned into a favourite and not a day went by, in the past few months, when we didn't get one. 

Yesterday, while plucking some flowers, I saw a lot of hibiscus buds, all waiting to bloom. It made me happy that the next day, I would get a good haul of the beautiful red flowers. Today, as I left for my usual morning walk, I happened to glance at the hibiscus tree, hoping to see it in full bloom. To my shock, I saw just a single red flower! Someone had plucked the others.  

Who took my hibiscus??  I couldn't help pondering over this question as I took a quick walk in my colony.  It was not a relaxed walk, it was a walk filled with disappointment in having lost the flowers, and a grudge against the one who took them. My flowers! How could someone take them away!?  

"Someone had already plucked the flowers. I got only one today!  There were so many buds yesterday." I lamented after reaching home. I kept complaining until my husband asked calmly. "Did you plant the hibiscus?"

And it suddenly became clear to me. The hibiscus was actually planted by a family who used to stay in our building but shifted to their native place after the lock down was announced. The lady of this family used to pluck the flowers every day, and in her absence, seeing the flowers fading away unused, my father-in-law started bringing them home. He always used to say - "Enjoy these flowers until the family returns. Once they return, we shouldn't pluck them." My father-in-law knew very well that the flowers weren't ours, but it took today's incident to remind me of this!

And finally I could let go of the resentment towards the person who took the flowers.I learnt an important lesson today. That 'Mine!' is the root-cause of most of the disruptions that arise in our mind. When we realise that we, like everyone, are on borrowed time, and borrowered property, then what is the point of conflict!?

Tomorrow, if I don't find any hibiscus, I would smile and keep walking, knowing that somewhere the flowers are being used for a better purpose, by someone more deserving of them!

My Kitchen, The Wonderland!

Indeed it is a wonderland. 

Kitchen is the place where most of my blogs form as blueprints in my mind. I develop scenes, find comedy in daily affairs,  derive logic from situations and by the time I leave the kitchen, another blog is ready to be penned down. 

The kitchen is also my lab for cooking experiments. Over the years I gradually developed a love for cooking. But I have to add a disclaimer after this statement. Just because I like cooking, it doesn't make me a chef!  I am still learning. Some days I try out new recipes. Some days I make alterations in the tried and tested recipes. At times they turn out fine. Most of the times there is large scope for improvement. What soothes me most is the whole process (who cares about the output, right? Just kidding. Try asking this to someone really hungry. They will disprove this and how!). 

I specially love to bake. The preparation of the batter for cake, the aromas associated (vanilla essence, cocoa powder, banana puree!), the aroma wafting from the cooker (I used to bake in the oven too. This deserves a special paragraph. Coming ahead!), the output - all these have turned baking into an excellent exercise for mindfulness. It relaxes my mind, improves my mood and refreshes me! 

About the promised oven - right. I baked cakes in the oven too. But I don't know where I am going wrong (the temperature setting? the ratio of ingredients? mixing? Oh my God, there are so many things I can do wrong and yet I dare ask 'Where I am going wrong??') the crust of the cake always crumbles when I bake it in the oven. It turns out fine in the cooker. Nevertheless I credit the oven with my love for baking. It supported me in my first attempts at baking and is one of my favourites from the kitchen. 

I am yet to develop a good rapport with Yeast. It dislikes me. Refuses to activate. Doesn't help the dough to rise. Doesn't cooperate with me in my attempts to bake bread or pizza. I need to spend some more quality time with it to improve our relationship. 

Eventually and gradually, the kitchen turned into a bird sanctuary too. Let me tell you how this blessed event came to happen. 

We South-Indians have a tradition of offering food to birds before we eat ourselves. So every day we would keep some cooked rice at the window sill in the kitchen. This captured the attention of some pigeons passing through. A couple of them came down to eat, and there has been no looking back since then.

The pigeons - they deserve a special mention. They have colonised Hyderabad. The ancestral homes and ruins that one may find here have also become the ancestral resting zones of these birds. Complexes, individual houses, flats, new/old - the pigeons treat every home equally. They are impartial when it comes to homes. 

The pigeon-couple who first spotted the rice, slowly brought in their friends and relatives too. But not all are welcome. There is one hefty pigeon - I have named it Hefty, for obvious reasons. It scares and bullies the other pigeons into flying away. It has a faithful and loyal side-kick too, which waits patiently for permission to partake the rice. Hefty nibs at the rice greedily while poor Side-kick sits beside it. When Hefty's gaze falls on the Side-kick, it tosses some morsels of rice towards the other, who gratefully nibs at them. 

And then one day Hefty met its match. A couple of sparrows came flying through, seeing the rice morsels. They happily partook of the rice and started coming every day, like the pigeons. But not in their presence. Just once, it so happened that Hefty came in while one chirpy was happily nibbling at a rice morsel behind the window. This scene was amazing. Have you ever seen a sparrow sit still? I did. I saw Chirpy stay very still behind the window while Hefty walked from one end to another to scare away a couple of pigeons that were sitting on the opposite window. Whenever Hefty's back was turned towards Chirpy, I saw the later quickly grab hold of a morsel and stand still, not visible to the angry Hefty. This went on for a while till Hefty, assured that none of the other pigeons would approach its area, flew away. Chirpy happily hopped from the window, satisfied itself with some more rice morsels and went away. The pair of sparrows still comes, always in the absence of Hefty. It is a pleasure to see these little active chirpies. 

And that day a beautiful bird came to the window, black-coloured, with a dash of orange and a sharp-looking beak. I watched it in amazement, trying to find out its breed. My kid too walked into the kitchen and looked at the bird. 'Wood-pecker!' he whispered. I am not very sure, but the sharp beak did give some pecking-like vibes. The bird nibbled on some grains and flew away. It came once again after that day. I haven't seen it thereafter. I hope it comes. 

The kitchen is also the place where the play of clouds and light goes on continously. At 11 in the morning, bright sunlight comes in through the window, and I switch off the artificial lights in the kitchen. Half an hour later, a passing-by gray cloud moves in the sky and covers the light. I sigh and switch on the light. Five minutes later, the sun shines brightly again and I switch off the light. Another cloud comes. This goes on till I have my lunch. I am used to this play of light. I look forward to it.

The kitchen is a place of chaos, and also an oasis of calm and peace for me. It is a place where I learn, and also the place which tests me about whatever I learnt! 

Indeed, a wonderland, in all ways!  

Dreams from the past

I started blogging in 2008. I created a blog-site of my own and started jotting down my thoughts.

Today, I was going through some of the blogs that I had started with. And I came across one titled - Things I Want To Do Before I Grow Old. 

I had almost forgotten about this blog, about the list of To-Do things that I had made. But what lifted my spirits is, unconsciously and without thinking about this list, I did do some of the things that I wanted to!

Well, there are some things pending. And some things that cannot be done now, I think. 

The list goes something like this:

1. Write a book. - I did! I wrote three books. And while they definitely won't come under 'Bestsellers', the satisfaction and happiness that came with publishing these books remains in the heart to this date. The first one was clearly an amateurish attempt but it gave me confidence to go ahead and paved the way for others. So, this is one task that I managed to do!

2. Visit the Himalayas. - Well, I almost did. Almost, because I went to Shimla and Manali, and saw the Himalayan Mountain Range from a distance. As good as going there, isn't it? Nah. Whom am I kidding?! A visit to the Himalayas will be something ethereal and mystical. I am immensely grateful that I could see the magnificent mountains and feel their magic. May be someday I will get to visit them from near. But until then, excuse me if I mark this task as 'Almost Achieved'!

3. Sit beside the pilot in the cockpit and watch the plane move through the clouds. - Sorry. This is something that I don't think I will be able to ever do. For starters, I don't have the required connections to be able to sit in the cockpit of the plane. Secondly, the last plane journey that I went through, put me off planes, like forever. The turbulence was unbearable and triggered a panic attack in me. I have never been this scared ever before! And I haven't set foot inside a plane again. I don't intend to. Which makes the 4th task really difficult to achieve.

4. Visit at least one foreign country. - Right. But how? Unless I can travel by road/rail? How many days would it take to reach the country? Will I have to sell my house to cover the expense? What will I return to, from the trip, if, in a perverse state of mind, I indeed sell my house? Nope. This task will now go under the list of Things I Better Forget About. 

5. Read as much as possible and learn as well! - Ah! My favourite! This is something that I am still doing. Am I reading? Am I! I read till everyone gets a headache just looking at me. And when I read about philosophy or spirituality or religion, I note down memorable points in my giant book that I have specially reserved for this. So I am learning too! Reading as well as learning. Because I can't survive without either of these. Because books are my lifeline, my escape from life, my coping mechanism to deal with the blows of life. 

6. Go on a cruise. - Pending. But someday I hope too. Water has always fascinated and terrified me. I am awed by its sheer power. Someday I would like to stand on a cruiser and watch a sunset. With dolphins playing around. And the sound of waves. And the cruiser slicing through the waters. Can't wait to do this!

7. Earn a five-digit salary. - Now, why I would write this one? Ah, I remember. I was working on a contract basis and was earning a four-digit figure. Eventually I did earn in five digits. It wasn't much, but it helped a lot. The main question is - did it make me happy? The answer, sadly, is No. Because it wasn't something I wanted to do. I did learn a lot. And I am grateful for the life-lessons learnt during that period of time.

I have always believed in focusing on the things that I am grateful for. And today, after reading my old blog, my gratitude-list has increased manifold. 

Dear Life, the only thing that I really ask of you now, is to constantly remind me to be grateful always. For where I am now. And for everything you have given me! 

The Kindness Movement

We will start this blog with a case scene.

Imagine waking up one day and checking your social media accounts (like most of us do, I am sure) and finding out that you are trending. You are trending because someone made a funny meme on you and now it is viral. You are shocked, aghast seeing this. You find it the topic of discussion in most of your whatsapp groups. People send messages asking - Have you seen this? The serious ones in your contacts urge you to take strict action against whosoever did this. The sensitive ones say that they have deleted the meme and won't forward it. The funny and casual ones tease you and tell you of their contribution in forwarding the meme. You are stunned. The meme is funny, sure, but it makes fun at your expense! You feel the need to disconnect from the social media for some time till the fervour dies down. And you exit from all the groups in whatsapp.

Take another case.

It is a re-union of your school friends and you attend it wearing a bold and revealing dress you are comfortable in. You enjoy with your friends and have a great time. Few days later you check the post in the FB page of your school where pictures of the re-union have been posted. You happily re-live the memories when you see the comments on you. These are comments from some other batch of the school, and not all are flattering. While some applaud you for your bold choice in the dress, there are some who are ripping you apart, calling you 'vulgar' and 'attention-seeking'. Then there are some lewd comments from some perverts too. You feel uncomfortable suddenly. And you close the site. But a little damage has already been done. Your mood has dimmed.

And now, imagine this happening to someone who is already feeling low and has been quietly battling depression since a while now. What if the meme, or the unflattering comments strike the final nail on him/her and drive that person to take some desperate measure??

These things are happening now, people. 

Funny memes are made on celebrities, insulting them and those memes are forwarded everywhere. The common public interact directly with the celebrities through various media and bash and troll them. Simply because they can. 

And this is not just about celebrities.

I feel that, for some reason, the social media makes us brave and reckless to hurt people, even those whom we care about, with whom we have spent our childhood or teenage. A slight difference of opinion with regards to politics or religion sparks a hot debate in Whatsapp group and ends up alienating those people who went to school together. It starts as an argument and then it takes a personal turn with people finding ways to hurt each other through 'messages'. I wonder whether they would fight and argue face-to-face as severely as they do online. Is the virtual presence a motivation to speak out without any consideration or thought for our own peace or for the feelings of the other? 

Is a difference of opinion a reason to turn our friends into people who dislike us? 

We are living in difficult times. The morale is low, tempers and frustration is high. The media contributes in creating panic as news channels keep showing 'the rising number of cases' every minute, every day. I wish they would find a positive way to share news. Like, just inform the number of recovered cases too! And like they show sad news with all the sad background music of violin, may be they could shout out the recovered cases in a manner of celebration and joy. Something that is grossly needed today. 

At such difficult times, it is imperative of us to practice every form of kindness. A smile, a friendly word, an encouraging and motivating sentence is all that is needed to brighten up someone's day. 

Locked at home and no one in contact with, there isn't much I can do to bring the change in people's mindsets. But there are certain things that I can do, and will do, and hope that you too would do them, dear reader.

Firstly, I am not going to forward any kind of meme that makes fun at someone's expense. Humour is essential in life but not if it hurts someone. If the meme is about a situation and doesn't target any individual, then I believe there is no harm in forwarding it. In fact it needs to be forwarded so that someone somewhere will have a good laugh, and it wont even be at anyone's expense! 

Secondly, I will not forward any un-verified news about the pandemic, or impending earthquakes, or end of the world. In fact, I will make sure to forward and post only positive news, news that will brighten up someone's mood and won't contribute to the raging inferno of the pandemic scare. 

I am going to refrain from posting any political or religious opinion in any groups. If anyone posts anything that I don't agree with, I won't comment on that. I will stay silent. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and to each one, his/her own! I won't lose a friend simply over a difference of opinion.

And while I am not a big movie buff, I do wish that people would stop criticising movies or giving bad reviews. What didn't work for one, might work for another! If you loved a movie, then go ahead and give it a glowing review. But if you didn't like a movie, then there is no need to review it at all! May be someday it would come to pass that good movies get excellent review and the movies that didn't quite strike the mark won't be criticised or commented upon. It takes tremendous efforts, both for a good movie and a mediocre movie and ripping apart the movie or its cast kind of feels ruthless. Let us leave it at 'tough luck, wishing bright future ahead!'. I already do this with books. I am in a book-group and whenever I read a book that I loved, I give a good review about the same in the group. But if I didn't relate to a particular book, I don't write anything about it. As a wanna-be writer myself, I know what it takes to think, imagine and write it out. I have had my own share of flak and criticism, and I know what it can do to a writer. 

As the quote goes - 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle'. People suffer physically and mentally, and another unkind word or gesture can break them completely. Let us all be kind to everyone. While there are many forms of kindness, sometimes, the simplest form is to not say anything at all when the situation demands of you to be rude or unkind. Be kind to your family. Don't condemn or criticise. Encourage and inspire! 

So, what prompted this rant? 

There is something deeply painful about a 34 year old, super-talented, highly educated, philosophical, dreaming actor requesting his fans to watch his movies else he will be thrown out of Bollywood. He struggled, he failed to cope and he opted for the rope. And now the sighs and laments pour in from all sides saying - 'I wish I knew', ' I wish I was there', 'I wish I had reached out to you'. The time to reach out to your loved ones, the time to know your loved ones and the time to be there for your loved ones is - when they are alive!  Reach out to your family, your friends and be there for them always, so that they know that they are loved and cared for.

Be kind in every way you can!

So, reader, are you with me in The Kindness Movement? I hope you are, and I hope that you too will make your important contribution in making the world a better place, simply by being kind. If you can relate to this, and if this feels feasible to you, then please do share it with your loved ones and friends so that The Kindness Movement gets even more people in its caravan. 

Thank you reader, and I have to say, by writing this out, the gloom that had enveloped my mind since three days has taken off slightly and I feel hopeful. 

A dream unfulfilled is a tragedy.

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Arjun saw the next entry in the book and looked at the watch. He smiled. Like always, you chose your lunch break to meet me.

Rishi walked in with a guitar-case slung on his shoulders. Like always, he was wearing a cap and goggles. They did nothing to conceal his royal bearings. But these accessories, coupled with a plain shirt and jeans made him look like just another guy. Which he wasn't definitely.

He hailed from a wealthy family, uber-wealthy, actually. His father was a business moghul known all over the world for his successful business. There were already books written on him. Rishi's mother was a silent partner in all her husband's dealings and had already made her name in the world with the various charity projects that she handled. 

And here was Rishi, someone whom the world already knew as the heir apparent to a fortune.

"Hey, I brought lunch." Rishi said as he sat on the chair and placed the guitar case almost reverentially on the table. He took out a packet from his bag. A delicious aroma of North-Indian food wafted from the packet.

"Oh, I wish you would stop bringing me lunch. Is it necessary to bring this every time?" Arjun asked although his stomach rumbled.

"It is the least I can do." Rishi shrugged.

As Arjun opened the packet, Rishi took out his guitar from the case. He held it in the same way someone would hold a lover. Arjun smiled.

And then, as he did always, while Arjun had his lunch, Rishi played the guitar. Not only did he play it, he also sang along. His songs were composed by himself and carried depth and meaning. He sang really well.

But he aced the guitar. He played it so naturally that one could imagine that the guitar and Rishi were one. Arjun loved such afternoons. Having lunch and listening to really good music made  him feel as if he were in a themed restaurant and having a personal concert for himself.

The song finished.

"So, what do you say?" Rishi asked with a grin.

"You know what I would say. Amazing, just amazing. I just love your music, and your song." Arjun said sincerely.

Rishi beamed. His whole face lit up with happiness.

Arjun sighed. "Rishi, I don't understand why you won't.."

"Play the guitar openly, come out as a guitar-player? Thanks but no thanks. The first time I played the guitar at a family function, dad just killed my dream. I told this to you in our first session itself, right? What hurt me most was that he enjoyed the evening like every one, complimented me heartily. Just when I geared myself to inform him of making a career out of my passion, he called me to his room  after everyone had left. He forbade me totally to play it. Said it will divert me from my other duties - duties towards the family business that has been in the market since five decades. Said, no one from the family had gone into this kind of entertainment business and I was not to break the tradition. I was to just get into the family business like every guy or girl has done in my family."

Rishi's tone hardened in the end.

"I tried to convince him,  you know. I told him to listen to another of my performances. He did. And brought my hopes up. And then after I had finished playing, he took the guitar from my hand and dashed it to the ground. My first guitar - it just broke irreparably. I decided then and there to never ever play it before him."

Rishi tensed for a while. "Just to set the record straight, he doesn't know that I bought another guitar and I am playing it too. In fact, apart from you, nobody else knows. I just come to you because I need to perform in front of someone who will impartially judge my talent."

"And I keep telling you time and again, that what you are doing with the guitar is sheer magic. You are a natural guitarist, friend."

Rishi nodded and carefully placed the guitar inside the case. He started on his lunch.

Arjun took the opportunity to study him. When Rishi had first come to meet him, he had told that he was suffering from depressive thoughts. Gradually in the fourth session, the truth had come out that his dad had killed his dream of being a guitarist. Arjun couldn't understand what kind of hold his dad had over the guy. But then he gathered that being in the public eye as celebrities, the family had a name to protect, which must be the reason why Rishi didn't think of rebelling.

"Next week, I am off to this little village in Italy." Rishi said.

"Oh! Business trip?"

Rishi made a face. "Yeah. Another branch to be opened in the village. It is a tiny, remote village in the midst of nowhere. I am not sure how dad expects to open the branch and earn a profit too. Expects me to work miracles." He shook his head.

"Hmm.. Remote village in the midst of nowhere... seems like the perfect opportunity to go incognito and play the guitar." Arjun remarked casually.

Rishi stared at him.

"Are you really suggesting what I think you are?" He asked incredously.

Arjun shrugged. "Well, you need to check whether it is possible for you to do this. Seems like a good idea to me. You will get the satisfaction of having performed in front of an unsuspecting audience. I am not sure about the incognito part. That is something you have to think for yourself."

Rishi mused over it. Then he grinned suddenly. "You know, that sounds fabulous. Seems like something I can do. Let me think about it."

Arjun gave him a thumbs up. Soon, Rishi finished his lunch and they both cleaned the table.

"All right then, see you!" Rishi said, wearing his googles and his cap. Arjun's heart went out to him. The cost of being a celebrity! He walked him to the door and said 'All the best!'.

"I will send you the video hopefully." Rishi grinned and walked out with a swing in his step.

Psychiatries Diaries - The Housewife

You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.

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The next one to visit Arjun was Mrs.Sharma.

She stepped inside the cabin with the air of someone who had grown quite comfortable there. She gave him a full, warm smile and Arjun found himself smiling back at her. If he was allowed to have favourites, she would have made it to the top of the list.

She was one of those rare, blessed souls who were their own sunshine. She had such a positive aura that anyone who came into her vicinity was sure to feel calm. She always smiled, come what may. And that smile of hers added ounces to her natural beauty that came from a clean and pure heart.

So what was she doing in his cabin? Nothing. She felt the need for therapy because - she felt her life had grown dull. Monotonous. There was nothing exciting to look forward to.

And also because, she was unfortunate enough to land into a very difficult family, a family of people quick to anger, hurt and criticize, people who were battling their own inner demons and took out their rage and frustration on her.

Arjun could never understand what made her stay. Often he wished that she would find a way to break free from a place where she wasn't appreciated, where her presence was taken for granted. But as a psychiatrist, he wasn't supposed to directly influence people to take decisions. He could only assist them to think about what was good for them. What they did thereafter was solely at their discretion.

"Good morning, Arjun." She sat on the chair and smiled at him. She was one of those rare people who addressed him by his name.

"Good morning, Mrs.Sharma. And how is my favourite person today?" He asked brightly.

"Fine, and I know that you say this to every person you meet," She grinned at him and he laughed.

"No, not every person. But some people, for sure. So tell me, what is new. How have you been?"

"Things are going fine as usual." She said but there was something sad about her today. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, as Arjun observed.

"And yet your smile isn't as blinding as it is usually. Something is bothering you."

She gave him a resigned look that spoke volumes of how much she was hurting within.

"You know, today began as just another day. I did my chores as usual and tried not to give any reason to anyone to complain or fret."

You don't have to do that... Arjun thought sadly.

"Anyways, it so happened that someone from the family taunted me today, about not contributing financially to the home."

Arjun really wished she would disclose more about her family. She never mentioned the people who ill-treated her. It was always 'someone'.

"You are raising your daughter, looking after the elders, and taking care of the whole family. Doesn't this matter more than any kind of financial contribution?" Arjun asked gently.

She smiled and nodded her head. Cleared her throat and went on. "Well, I spoke to my husband and he said - By now you are already used to it, aren't you."

She paused. For few minutes, no one spoke.

"I think something else is troubling you. This is not the only matter, am I right?"

Her face was now a picture of sheer hurt. She spoke slowly. "Before that someone taunted me, they made sure that they had my complete attention."

"I didn't understand."

"I was engrossed in some work when they stood behind me. They waited till I finished my work and looked around at them. And then they hurled the taunt on me."

"What bothers you most about this?"

"The pause. They paused, just so that I can fully bear the effect of their words. Couldn't that pause helped them to reflect on what they were going to say, and why? They paused, Arjun, so that they could ensure that I would definitely feel the sting of the taunt. I can't help thinking how much they must have willed to hurt me. I wish I knew why. "

Arjun didn't say anything, for he sensed that more was to come.

"And then, when my husband said that I am already used to it... It was the truth, you know.. Somehow I became used to being disrespected, being ill-treated, being shouted at. And it disgusted me, for the first time. I am feeling angry with myself for getting used to this kind of treatment."

There were tears in her eyes but Arjun felt immense relief. May be there is hope for you now...

She needed to cry it out, so Arjun got up from his seat and walked towards the window of the cabin. He looked down and the busy road teeming with vehicles and people. How many of you are suffering silently, he thought sadly. He turned back and saw that Mrs.Sharma seemed composed now. He walked back towards his chair and handed over a glass of water to her. She smiled gratefully at him and took the glass.

"I am sorry, I am not usually the one to complain, you know. I just assumed that whatever I was feeling was just some kind of mid-life crisis. But it seems to have deeper roots." She sniffed.

"Okay, first things first, you don't look one bit middle-aged. If nothing, you look like you are in the prime of your youth." This made her smile, which was his intention.

"And secondly, it is okay to cry, to complain at times. The more you keep everything bottled up, the more you will feel the impact when all the pent-up emotions get released. So, you can complain and cry, that's why I am here."

She looked at him sadly. "I wish I could know what I can do know. I mean, I am in my forties. My whole life has gone by in serving my family, before and after my marriage. I guess I never spared a thought for myself. What can I possibly do now?"

Arjun thought for a while. He suddenly brightened up, for he had found a way to make her think about herself for a change.

"I will give you an assignment. Will you do it?" He asked eagerly.

"What would it require from me?" She asked hesitatingly.

"Nothing! Just a few precious minutes of your time. I want you to buy a nice notebook, something with a pretty cover that you like. And your favourite pen."

She looked at him in confusion.

"And name it as your Dream Journal. And for the first entry, you have to answer this question - If there were no limitations, no objections, no hurdles, what are the things you would like to do? You have to answer this with the assumption that for now, you are totally on your alone, with no one to stop you, or judge you, no hurdles at all. Just unlimited freedom and resources to do whatever you want to do. What all things would you do then? Prepare a list. There are no limitations for the number of entries. Can you do this?"

She thought for a while and straightened up. "Wow, I have never even thought about what I wanted. I guess this should be a fun exercise. Yeah, this feels like something I can do."

"Great! Show it to me the next time you come here. We can then decide about how to proceed ahead."

"All right then. I guess this is all for today." She said and got up from her seat. He walked with her to the door.

She turned around and looked at him with a bright smile. "I am so excited - all the things I want to do! I can now think about them. It feels soothing already."

"This is just the beginning. Gear up, for some really great things are on your way from now." Arjun said warmly. As he saw her walk with a new vigour in her step, he smiled from within. She had already taken the first step by realizing that she deserved better. Now he just had to help her know what she really wanted from life.

Psychiatrist Diaries - The Lonely Aged Man

I am not alone because loneliness is always with me.
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The next person to walk in was Mr.Kapoor.

Arjun greeted him warmly and like always, secretly wished that he too could age as gracefully as Mr.Kapoor. At the age of seventy, the senior still retained his tall and unbent physique and looked every bit classy and regal. Tanned face still unmarked by the vistage of time, thick white hair neatly combed to a side and the cane in hand completed the whole picture.

"Good morning, Son." Just another reason why Arjun had immediately warmed up to the senior. Very few people addressed him so.

"Let me order tea for us. I have missed your regular visits." Arjun called up the tea-vendor who had his stall opposite to his office and ordered tea. Mr.Kapoor waited patiently till Arjun had finished the call.

"I feel like I take up too much of your time. And then you go the extra mile to order tea or something else, always. I feel like I bother you." Mr.Kapoor said with a slight smile.

"Oh not at all, Mr.Kapoor! It is sheer delight to talk with you, I assure you. Now tell me how have you been doing, Sir?"

Mr.Kapoor sat up straighter in his seat and cleared his throat. "Well, I searched for a retirement home for me."

Before Arjun could react, there was a knock on his door and a man walked in with two glasses of tea. He greeted both Arjun and Mr.Kapoor, chatted with the senior for a few minutes and left.

Arjun sipped on his tea. It was delicious. "So what made you finally do this, Sir?"

Mr.Kapoor took his own time to reply. His fingers shook a little as he lifted the glass. "It has been due since a long time, this decision to move out. I have the perfect family anyone could ask for, you know. My son, my daughter-in-law and grand-daughter love me, and take care of me. I couldn't have asked for a better home to live in."

Arjun waited for the 'But..' that he knew would come.

"But it is not the same after Mrs.Kapoor passed away." Mr.Kapoor's voice quivered a little at the mention of his late wife. "Inspite of being surrounded by the best family I could hope for, I still feel like I don't belong there. I belong with Mrs. Kapoor. We were a team, we were supposed to stay together. She shouldn't have bailed out on me like this." Mr.Kapoor's eyes teared up a little and he looked towards a window from where the clear sky was visible.

Arjun allowed the senior some time to sober up. "What can I do to make this easier for you, Sir?" He asked gently and earnestly.

"Oh you have already done, son! My sessions with you since Mrs.Kapoor's death have helped me to cope with the grief. But I don't want the grief to end. She was one of a kind, you know. Loved me so deeply, and I loved her too. Her life deserves to be both celebrated and grieved. You never, ever stop grieving for someone like her."

"I can understand, Sir. Grief is a natural mechanism for the heart to heal. I am not saying that you should not grieve. I am just telling you to find a way to live peacefully, inspite of your grief."

Mr.Kapoor nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, and I don't feel at peace in my own house. And that is why I need to leave. I need to be in solitude, and yet among people whom I can relate to. The people in the retirement homes have lived their lives, like me. I feel connected to them already. And when you are at a place where you aren't much familiar with the people, you get both solitude and company. That is why I decided to move out."

Mr.Kapoor fumbled inside his bag, searching for something. Arjun waited patiently. Soon enough, the senior took out a brochure and gave it to Arjun. It was a brochure advertising the retirement home. It looked blissful, with individual little cottages, a temple, enough tracks for walking, an ampitheatre where some functions could be held and other necessities like ATM, medical store and a super-market. It was impressive enough.

"Have you discussed this with your son?" Arjun asked.

"Yes, I had discussed this with him much before our therapy sessions began. He wanted me to heal first, before being on my own. He understood my need for solitude and peace. The retirement home that I have chosen is in the same city, so I won't be away from him."

Arjun nodded and handed over the brochure to Mr.Kapoor. "Whatever makes you peaceful from within, Sir.. We all just want you to live a happy life."

"Happiness.. that is long gone. It went away with Mrs.Kapoor. I was happy when she was around. What hurts the most is, she was so healthy and in the prime of her life. One evening, we both are playing Ludo and I lose badly to her. I even get a bit cranky because of that. And that night, she decides to pass away in her sleep. A heart-attack, they said. I can't help feeling whether she felt any pain. Did she call out to me and I was too deep in sleep to hear? I can't help thinking about this."

"You cannot stress over questions which do not have any answer, Sir. The fact is, Mrs.Kapoor has passed away. And you still have a life to live, to lead and to inspire. Find the thing that motivates  you to wake up every morning, Sir. Physically, you are fine, faring much better than most of the seniors today. Mentally, you need to accept and move on. Life is precious, Sir, and needs to be lived fully."

"Yes." Mr.Kapoor said without any feeling. He got up slowly. "I will come to meet you again before I leave for the home. Once I go there..." Mr.Kapoor looked doubtful for the first time since his visit.

"Once you go there, you can still come and meet me anytime, Sir. I will miss our tea sessions together." Arjun smiled.

"Okay, I feel better. You are a good person, Arjun. Your parents must be so proud of you."

Arjun beamed, feeling grateful that both his parents were still hale and hearty and very much together. He got up from his seat to escort the senior outside.

"Have you ever seen or heard about the telecom, The Golden Girls?" Mr.Kapoor asked out of the blue.

"Yes, I have heard about it. But I haven't seen any episode."

Mr.Kapoor paused at the door of the cabin. "You know, it was Mrs.Kapoor's favourite, and I started watching it yesterday. There is this senior named Rose, and she said something very meaningful and deep. She said - We are old, and alone, and there is a lot of life ahead." He took a deep breath. "That is exactly how I feel, Son." He patted Arjun's shoulder and walked slowly towards the exit.

Arjun looked at his retreating back, realising that no amount of therapy could heal the feeling of loss and loneliness that old age brought sometimes.