No Longer His Shame Or Crime!

He read the news in his mobile app and sat down on the sofa as a rush of emotions overwhelmed him.
He closed his eyes and laid back his head on the sofa. A series of images flashed in his mind.

The first time when he realised that his choice was different. The feeling of terror, elation and confusion that followed thereafter.

The way he had avoided acknowledging himself for what he was. The tantrums, the fights over petty issues, staying locked in his room and avoiding everyone.

The way he had felt guilty when his parents assumed his behaviour as teenage issues and had tried to be patient with him.

The way he could not meet anyone's eyes - male or female.

The last two years had been the hardest. His parents, specially his mother, had been pressurizing him to get married. He had had a difficult time inventing excuses. At first he insisted on taking up some course for higher studies, then he brought up the excuse of an impending promotion in his office.

He recollected the most difficult part of his life. That day his parents had confronted him when he reached home and was having dinner with them.

"Is there any reason why you are avoiding marriage? We are fed up by the excuses that you have been giving us. Tell us if there is someone whom you would like to get married to. We will meet the girl and her parents too, if you wish. We just want to see you settle down and have a family of your own." His father had said firmly yet gently.

As usual he had opted to keep quiet. Then his mother began slowly in a trembling voice. "We hear a lot of things now-a-days. Unimaginable and unbelievable for us who have been raised in villages. They speak about people choosing partners of the same gender for themselves. Are you too... " She had not been able to continue for something about the way his hand had stilled while eating, the way he had closed his eyes, something about his body language had given him up. When his father had shouted 'What?' in deep outrage and his mother had burst into sobs, he had quietly left the dining table.

It had taken another year for his parents to adjust with and accept him for what he was. His mother had been the first to soften. She had, all by herself, read various articles and had slowly learnt that it was not a big sin to be what he was. She had read stories of people proudly proclaiming to the world about the support that they had been providing to their children. It had motivated her and he would never forget the day when she had stopped him while he was leaving for office and said to him in a soft voice filled with love and affection. "You will always be my dear boy, come what may. I am there with you." He had just hugged her and had broken down just a little bit. Once his mother accepted him, it became much more easier for his father too. There had been no open declarations of support from his father, but he no longer avoided him and made it a point to have breakfast and dinner together like they all used to before. His dad also started talking to him about general topics and the wall that had suddenly erupted between him and his dad had slowly started dissolving.

And today the news article about the verdict on Section 377 flashed in his mobile screen and brought him respite from the mental agony and suffering that he had borne since almost twenty years. He smiled from within as finally in the thirty-second year of his life, he accepted himself for what he was - Just another individual who could love a person unconditionally.

His mobile signaled a text message. He checked it and smiled. It was from his soul-mate, his partner of ten years.

Coffee at the cafe? Want to celebrate today. There was a smiley with the message.


He smiled and typed Yes! . It was no longer his crime or shame, just another reason to celebrate and love.

The Quest For Peace

There comes a time in the lives of people when they suddenly see their life for its lack of originality and reality and they start questioning about What Lies In Store Ahead.

My time came in the month of January 2019. There was this intense need to find inner peace, to find my true purpose in life and most importantly, to maintain a state of equilibrium through all kinds of situations.

I took a much-needed break from social media, de-activating my Whatsapp account and uninstalling my Facebook from my mobile.Being a voracious reader, my first resort was - reading. And not just reading, but reading something that would help me in my quest. I have always been a fan of fiction and light-hearted rom-coms (Romantic Comedies). It was time to change my preferred genre.

There is this saying, you know, that when you really want something, the Universe will conspire in your favor! The concept of Stoicism (a belief-system that basically advocates leading a reason-based and logic-based life and maintaining inner calm in all situations) and Mindfulness (the art of being in a perpetually meditative state - i.e. doing everything with awareness, focus and concentration) kept coming to my attention through books, newspapers and suggestions from friends. I read the likes of Marcus Aurelius, Thich Nhat Hahn and Emerson and got lost in a world of philosophical quotes and gems that I know I will treasure forever. Along with reading these priceless authors, I started making notes of the points that I wanted to read later again. And thus started a wonderful healing process of reading and writing that gave me immense peace and helped me to calm down.

That was not all that I did. It was time to start my Yoga sessions again. I had stopped doing Yoga exercises for almost six months or so. I started them with a renewed vigor and made breathing-exercises and meditation, an important part of my daily routine. Mostly I remembered to practice Mindfulness every moment. While cooking, sweeping, washing the dishes, I tried to focus only on the task at hand and empty mind of all distractions. Sometimes, I succeeded. Many a times, I failed. But I didn't give up practicing Mindfulness.

After two months of living in a solitary state, cut-off from the social world, I felt the first pangs of loneliness and activated my Whatsapp account. The same old awesome friends greeted me, and I was happy to be a part of the world again. But this time, I ensured that I didn't become feverishly addicted to Whatsapp or Facebook.

After doing all these, the question arises - Have I found my inner peace? The answer is both Yes and No.

Because I realized and learned that the quest for inner peace doesn't lead you to any promised destination, it is rather the journey that prepares and teaches you what you need to know! Does the state of Inner Peace exist? Yes. Can you stay there forever? No! You have to keep looking for it, doing the things that lead you to it. It is not the station, it is the train!

When I look back, the happiest and most peaceful moments have been in my quest, while I was reading, or doing some breathing exercises, or meditating. It's while doing all these that I connected to my true self and found my place of calm. I still have my off-days that disturb my equilibrium, but I now know that I can go back to my peaceful center anytime, by doing the activities that help me to stay calm and balanced.

It's a continuous journey, this quest for peace. So for all those who are seekers in this path, I want to say - Enjoy the journey, my friends! For it is in the journey that you will find what you seek for. The secret is in finding what you love to do and what appeals to you.


As for me, I am still a seeker, and as the quote goes - While I am not where I exactly wanted to be, I am grateful for where I am and excited about where I am going! 

The Journey Of Life

Ahead lay a long road, sometimes straight and sometimes curvy
There were miles to walk and countries to pass
I thought I had everyone with me and the walk would be lively
But many a times, I found it was only me.



When the night came and the shadows sprang forth
When a new lane came into view
When the path ahead was unfamiliar and new
Those were the times when I found myself alone.



Though fear was a constant companion
and anxiety of the unknown path ahead kept up with me
I knew I had to keep walking
however long, unwinding and dangerous the road ahead be.



Many a times I found unasked and unexpected
the pleasure of strangers' company,
We will walk with you for a while, they said
For some distance they journeyed with me.



Our destination was the same but paths were different
And we parted when the road divided
I found my solitude join me again
and on and on we together travelled.



At the end I reached a meadow
With beautiful and colorful flowers,
Far ahead lay large and majestic mountains
And clouds hovering over them promising cool showers.



It lifted my spirits, this beautiful place
It renewed my strength and washed away my tiredness
I forgot the long road that I had travelled
For my heart was now filled with happiness



Because, there at the most beautiful place,
I found them all whom I thought I had lost in my journey
They stood with outstretched hands and beautiful smiles
It was as if they had sprung up from my memory.



I ran ahead with laughter and joy
basking in the glorious feeling that I wasn't now alone
After  journeying in solitude forever,




Here, in the end, with my loved ones, I was finally at home.

When He Had 'The Talk' With His Daughter!

If you were there now, you would have done this wonderfully. He thought, checking his late wife's photograph in his wallet, like he always did whenever he faced any kind of difficulty.

Five years had passed after her untimely death in an accident. He and his daughter (barely six years old, at that time) had staggered and reeled under the blow. For almost a year, he was in a state of blank, doing his duties automatically and paying attention only when it came to his daughter who had become his lifeline.

The world went after him, asking, demanding, cajoling and emotionally-blackmailing him to remarry. He had stubbornly refused. There was no place in his heart for someone else. Every woman, after marriage, deserved the whole-hearted attention and love of her husband. He knew he would never be able to do that again and he had resolutely decided to never to bring that kind of grief to anyone's life voluntarily and knowingly. He had his daughter, and that's all he wanted.

But today, he badly wished for his wife's presence. Not that there was ever a moment that he didn't miss her. But he had learnt to live without her and had put his heart and soul into his daughter whom he had raised very lovingly. He used a balanced technique of a little bit of strictness and a little bit of softness while dealing with her. She knew she was his weakness, and she also knew that she was never allowed to take advantage of him in any way. Thinking about his daughter filled his heart with love and pride. She had turned out to be the best of the best. Innocent, strong yet kind and jovial by nature, she had adjusted to her mother's absence in a much better manner than he had adjusted to his wife's absence.

So how do I do this? He thought miserably. It was Menstrual Hygiene Day and that had brought home the hard truth that he was yet to inform his daughter about this phase of life. He didn't know how he felt exactly. There was a little bit of awkwardness, for sure. The only lady to whom he had been really close was no more, and he barely talked to any other females, let alone discuss such matters. But he knew he would have to inform his daughter at any cost.

On a whim, he typed 'Menstrual Cycle' in google to know more about it. He clicked on the link that he felt was most useful and read about it. The more he read about menstruation and periods, the more he felt awe and wonder for all that a woman went through and was capable of.  With every article he read, his respect for women grew by leaps and bounds. Suddenly he felt like smiling. This wasn't awkward any more. It was a much-needed and beautiful cycle of life for ladies, although when he read about the taboos surrounding the subject, he shook his head. Each and every taboo was unnecessary, and over-rated, he decided. He would present this to this daughter in the way it was meant to - positively and with lot of patience and care. Reading about the cycle made everything much easier for him. With renewed vigor he finished his coffee and left his office canteen to catch the next available bus to his home.

He reached the creche where his daughter spent the day after her school. He remembered the heart-breaking feeling of leaving her there on the first day when he had to join his office after a month's leave. He obviously couldn't stop working, and she needed someone to look after her in his absence. The girl had shown amazing resilience when he had dropped her at the creche for the first time. The only indication of her turmoil was the quivering of her lips when he waved bye to her. The rest of the walk from the creche to his bus-stop had been blurry with the tears that had overwhelmed him completely.


We have come a long way from that day, my princess.. He thought sadly. Though she was grown-up now and almost eleven years old, she still wanted to spend the day at the creche. She had made some friends in the building where the creche was located, and she enjoyed with them.

As he rang the doorbell, he smiled at the sound of footsteps running towards the door. It was opened eagerly by none other than his daughter who smiled widely at him and hugged him hard. As he returned her hug, he knew that he would never love anyone else as much as he loved this precious girl.  After waving bye to the lady managing the creche, they both left.

Two hours later, the father and his girl had had their dinner, played some indoor games and were now lying on the bed watching a late-night comedy show. He knew it was time to talk to her. He searched for some kind of hesitation or awkwardness but realized that he didn't feel anything at all, except the excitement to inform his princess about her next phase of life. He smiled and cleared his throat.

" Princess, there is something that you should know." When she turned her eager eyes towards him after switching off the television, he felt overwhelming love for his little girl flood up his heart. He silently sent a grateful thought towards his late wife and slowly began. "There comes a phase in the life of every girl, you know..." As she snuggled up close to him, he knew that 'The Talk' had lost the last bit of hesitation and awkwardness. Hugging her securely in his embrace, he told his princess about the phase of life that would eventually make her a Queen.

You and I!

"Done with dicing the vegetables." Ravi got up from the chair and stretched his hands lazily.

"Where are you off to? Grate the coconut." Kirti said crisply.

Ravi glared at his wife for few seconds and with a tired and dramatic sigh, sat down to grate the coconut. He looked at the watch. It was just 6.30 am. Remind me again, why did I take up retirement? Oh yes, to 'enjoy' and 'relax'. Right.

"Why do you need coconut?" he asked.

Kirti placed her hands on her hips and stared at him. Uh oh.. this cannot be good. Nothing good has followed this pose. Ravi gulped uncertainly, trying to put on a brave facade. You don't scare me, woman. You will never know that you scare me, woman!

"Someone said yesterday that he wanted saambar rice for lunch today. Remember? There are no free meals, mister. You earn your saambar and rice here." She said in a serious tone and he nodded his head.

Remind me to not to ask for saambar again. Daal. From now on, it is always Daal on the menu.

An hour later, Ravi came out of his room, the aroma of breakfast wafting towards him. He chuckled.
Not aroma. Seems like it is Paratha for breakfast today.  And that means, some teasing is on the cards.

"You turned fifty-years-old this year, didn't you?" Ravi asked her lightly as he entered the kitchen and bit back a smile when she turned around and gave him a frosty look.

"I turned fifty. Your point is...?

"Fifty years, and still you can't make a paratha without burning at least a part of it," Ravi said with a slight laugh, gearing himself up for the inevitable fight that was to follow.

She shot him a disgusted look. "I believe you will be turning fifty-five years old this year?" She asked him angrily.

He nodded, controlling his impulse to laugh.

"And how many perfect parathas have you made in your fifty-five years of life?" Kirti asked with a tight smile.

Ravi burst out laughing and Kirti hid her smile.

An hour later, Ravi was blissfully reading the newspaper when Kirti came to him, all dressed up for going out.

"I need to go to the temple." She told him.

He looked at her curiously. "Okay. Since when do you need my permission to go anywhere, sorry, do anything at all?"

She shook her head in exasperation. "Old man, I need a drop to the temple."

"Fine. I will book a cab for you." Ravi said with a twinkle in his eyes while she shot him a challenging look.

"All right. I will wait. Go ahead and book the cab." She sat on the sofa with a smile. Let me see you book the cab.

Ravi took his own time with his mobile. "Hmmm. It appears that there are no cabs today. Looks like I will have to drop you myself." He got up from his chair with an overly-dramatic sigh. "What is the use of retiring early if you have to work even more than you used to?" As he went to his room to get his scooter-keys, Kirti rolled her eyes. Such over-acting! 

"You have put on weight," Ravi said as they were riding on his scooter and felt Kirti stiffen in response.

"What makes you say so?" She asked stiffly.

"I am finding it difficult to ride fast on the scooter, with you seated behind me. Remember how I used to speed up?"

"Why can't you simply accept that you are not as young and bold as you used to be? I have not put on weight." Kirti said stubbornly and Ravi laughed out loud. She hit him softly on his hand and smiled.

Fifteen minutes later they reached the temple. Kirti got down from the scooter and looked at Ravi. He looked everywhere except at her. And then finally gave up. "All right, I am coming in too. But only so that you will leave me in peace for the rest of the day."

"Ha. Dream about it, Old man. Trust me, your days of peace ended on the last day of your office." Kirti said smugly and Ravi just shook his head with a smile. "Go ahead. I will park the scooter and join you."

They both stood in front of the temple deity with folded hands.

Kirti bowed her head. Thank you for Ravi, the most beautiful part of my life. 

Ravi closed his eyes. Hey, it's not that I don't believe in You. How can I not believe, when someone as wonderful as Kirti is present in my life! It's just that, I put up a pretense before her, of not wanting to go to temple or praying. It makes her feel that I am doing all this on her insistence and that is how I want it to be. Will always be grateful to you for the greatest blessing of my life - this wonderful woman standing and praying beside me. Thank you!

They sat inside the temple for a few minutes and got up to leave. Ravi looked out of the temple towards the bay on whose shore the temple was situated. Endless water stretched up to wherever he could look.

"Want to sit by the shore for some time? I know you will have some work for me the moment we reach home. I want to enjoy at least some moments of peace and tranquillity." Ravi teased her.

"All right if that is what you want. It is better to spend some time here, rather than listen to you whine about the housework or hear the news blaring from the television." Kirti shot back.

"We might as well enjoy a cup of coffee at the coffee stall there. At least you won't fight with me when there are witnesses around." He laughed as she hit him on his hand playfully.


And then, by an unspoken understanding, they both held hands and walked towards the coffee stall.

Crazy And Priceless Moments With My Kid!

So, I am a mother. And like all mothers, my days (and nights as well) revolve around my kid who just turned six years old, by the way.

And some of the craziest and silliest moments of my life have been those where my kid humbled me, showed me my true place, all (apparently) unintentionally.

So, that fine day, I and my kid were taking a ride in an auto. The kid saw a petrol pump and kept staring at it thoughtfully.

I braced myself for what was coming through.

The embarrassing session went something like this:

Kid: What would happen if petrol spills on the road?

Me (unsuccessfully trying to hide my relief, for this question was simple enough, or so I assumed... In the next few minutes, I wouldn't know what hit me): oh, it shouldn't, you know. It can easily catch fire.

Kid (staring at me with wide, curious eyes): Can it flow like water? And when it spills on the road, can it seep beneath the earth? And what happens, if, indeed the petrol spills on the road, seeps beneath, and someone constructs a building over that area, not knowing that there is petrol underneath?? And what if someone's kitchen is just over the area??

Me: Silence. Deep, embarrassing silence…


And sometimes I am 'shocked' into silence.

Like that day, when my six-year-old pleaded to me - 'Please take me to the tattoo shop. I want to get a tattoo!'


And here is another incident to be added to the list of 'Embarrassing Silences Of My Life':

My kid - Amma, what do you mean by feast?

Me (Relieved to find a question that I can actually answer without having to Google it): It is food served and eaten during celebrations and special days.

My kid (smirks at me, searches his bag for something, gives a triumphant expression on finding it, takes it out - it's a packet of biscuits. Then asks coolly) - Then what do you mean by Sunfeast?

Me - Embarrassing silence… (You think I would have got used to this by now!)

And then that particular morning:

Me: Have a look outside, kiddo. It's a dark and cloudy day. It looks like it may rain and there is a strong cold breeze too.

Kid: Will a Toofan come? (He suddenly gets excited). What if a tornado comes? Do we have tornadoes in India, or only in other countries?

Me: (thinking - When, and how did this kid learn about tornadoes?? And then I remembered. He had a chart showing all kinds of Natural Disasters. Right...)

And in the end, as if I wasn't humiliated enough, when the kid saw me struggling to answer him, he coolly said - Why don't you Google it?
Yep. That’s it.

And that's when I purchased five types of an encyclopedia!

I know that these moments, though often silly, crazy and (sometimes) irritating, will turn out to be some of the best memories of the times spent with my kid. I treasure them, I cherish them and I write them out, because giving words is the only tribute I have for these priceless moments of wonder and awe (and of course, embarrassment, goes without saying.).


So bring it on kiddo, ask the heck out of me. Either you will learn, or I will, or it will go down as Another Embarrassing Silence Of My Life, but nevertheless, another beautiful memory to be added to the Hall Of Beautiful Moments!