Who Took My Hibiscus?!

 I feel blessed to stay in a colony where greenery reigns supreme. Trees line up on both sides of every lane. The road that is the entrance to our colony has a divider made up of beautiful Bougain-vilea plants.   It is sheer delight to see the flowers that initially blossom in pink and gradually turn into white. Morning walks become a sensory experience, what with the greenery of trees, the aroma and hues of various flowers around and the excited chirping of various species of birds.

Flowers are in abundance too. Along with colourful Bougain-vilea, we have funnel-shaped flowers in hues of violet and white lining up the shrubs or sometimes weeds at the corner of the road. Cactus too blossoms in bright shades of yellow and orange.Almost every building in my colony has a mini nursery of beautiful plants at the entrance. Likewise, my building too boasts of a pretty mini garden. Hibiscus, cactus, the beautiful shankpushpi, also known as Aparajita and orange coloured star-cluster flowers prettily adorn the entrance. My father-in-law would pluck these flowers every morning and arrange them beautifully in a plate, to be offered everyday to the deities in our house-temple. He was very fond of flowers and even managed to create a small beautiful garden inside our home, with shankpushpi plants, rose shrubs and two creepers. Till he lived, he went down to the entrance of our building and brought in the flowers with great flourish. The more the flowers he got, the happier he would be. 

He passed away on 15th of September. We noticed that the shankpushpi in our house stopped yielding flowers from the day he died! Only after all his last rites and rituals of 13 days were completed, did the plant start blossoming again. 

In my father-in-law's absence, I started bringing in the flowers from the entrance. The ritual of plucking flowers is immensely soothing! I could relate to my father-in-law's happiness whenever I found lot of flowers on any particular day. The hibiscus gradually turned into a favourite and not a day went by, in the past few months, when we didn't get one. 

Yesterday, while plucking some flowers, I saw a lot of hibiscus buds, all waiting to bloom. It made me happy that the next day, I would get a good haul of the beautiful red flowers. Today, as I left for my usual morning walk, I happened to glance at the hibiscus tree, hoping to see it in full bloom. To my shock, I saw just a single red flower! Someone had plucked the others.  

Who took my hibiscus??  I couldn't help pondering over this question as I took a quick walk in my colony.  It was not a relaxed walk, it was a walk filled with disappointment in having lost the flowers, and a grudge against the one who took them. My flowers! How could someone take them away!?  

"Someone had already plucked the flowers. I got only one today!  There were so many buds yesterday." I lamented after reaching home. I kept complaining until my husband asked calmly. "Did you plant the hibiscus?"

And it suddenly became clear to me. The hibiscus was actually planted by a family who used to stay in our building but shifted to their native place after the lock down was announced. The lady of this family used to pluck the flowers every day, and in her absence, seeing the flowers fading away unused, my father-in-law started bringing them home. He always used to say - "Enjoy these flowers until the family returns. Once they return, we shouldn't pluck them." My father-in-law knew very well that the flowers weren't ours, but it took today's incident to remind me of this!

And finally I could let go of the resentment towards the person who took the flowers.I learnt an important lesson today. That 'Mine!' is the root-cause of most of the disruptions that arise in our mind. When we realise that we, like everyone, are on borrowed time, and borrowered property, then what is the point of conflict!?

Tomorrow, if I don't find any hibiscus, I would smile and keep walking, knowing that somewhere the flowers are being used for a better purpose, by someone more deserving of them!

My Kitchen, The Wonderland!

Indeed it is a wonderland. 

Kitchen is the place where most of my blogs form as blueprints in my mind. I develop scenes, find comedy in daily affairs,  derive logic from situations and by the time I leave the kitchen, another blog is ready to be penned down. 

The kitchen is also my lab for cooking experiments. Over the years I gradually developed a love for cooking. But I have to add a disclaimer after this statement. Just because I like cooking, it doesn't make me a chef!  I am still learning. Some days I try out new recipes. Some days I make alterations in the tried and tested recipes. At times they turn out fine. Most of the times there is large scope for improvement. What soothes me most is the whole process (who cares about the output, right? Just kidding. Try asking this to someone really hungry. They will disprove this and how!). 

I specially love to bake. The preparation of the batter for cake, the aromas associated (vanilla essence, cocoa powder, banana puree!), the aroma wafting from the cooker (I used to bake in the oven too. This deserves a special paragraph. Coming ahead!), the output - all these have turned baking into an excellent exercise for mindfulness. It relaxes my mind, improves my mood and refreshes me! 

About the promised oven - right. I baked cakes in the oven too. But I don't know where I am going wrong (the temperature setting? the ratio of ingredients? mixing? Oh my God, there are so many things I can do wrong and yet I dare ask 'Where I am going wrong??') the crust of the cake always crumbles when I bake it in the oven. It turns out fine in the cooker. Nevertheless I credit the oven with my love for baking. It supported me in my first attempts at baking and is one of my favourites from the kitchen. 

I am yet to develop a good rapport with Yeast. It dislikes me. Refuses to activate. Doesn't help the dough to rise. Doesn't cooperate with me in my attempts to bake bread or pizza. I need to spend some more quality time with it to improve our relationship. 

Eventually and gradually, the kitchen turned into a bird sanctuary too. Let me tell you how this blessed event came to happen. 

We South-Indians have a tradition of offering food to birds before we eat ourselves. So every day we would keep some cooked rice at the window sill in the kitchen. This captured the attention of some pigeons passing through. A couple of them came down to eat, and there has been no looking back since then.

The pigeons - they deserve a special mention. They have colonised Hyderabad. The ancestral homes and ruins that one may find here have also become the ancestral resting zones of these birds. Complexes, individual houses, flats, new/old - the pigeons treat every home equally. They are impartial when it comes to homes. 

The pigeon-couple who first spotted the rice, slowly brought in their friends and relatives too. But not all are welcome. There is one hefty pigeon - I have named it Hefty, for obvious reasons. It scares and bullies the other pigeons into flying away. It has a faithful and loyal side-kick too, which waits patiently for permission to partake the rice. Hefty nibs at the rice greedily while poor Side-kick sits beside it. When Hefty's gaze falls on the Side-kick, it tosses some morsels of rice towards the other, who gratefully nibs at them. 

And then one day Hefty met its match. A couple of sparrows came flying through, seeing the rice morsels. They happily partook of the rice and started coming every day, like the pigeons. But not in their presence. Just once, it so happened that Hefty came in while one chirpy was happily nibbling at a rice morsel behind the window. This scene was amazing. Have you ever seen a sparrow sit still? I did. I saw Chirpy stay very still behind the window while Hefty walked from one end to another to scare away a couple of pigeons that were sitting on the opposite window. Whenever Hefty's back was turned towards Chirpy, I saw the later quickly grab hold of a morsel and stand still, not visible to the angry Hefty. This went on for a while till Hefty, assured that none of the other pigeons would approach its area, flew away. Chirpy happily hopped from the window, satisfied itself with some more rice morsels and went away. The pair of sparrows still comes, always in the absence of Hefty. It is a pleasure to see these little active chirpies. 

And that day a beautiful bird came to the window, black-coloured, with a dash of orange and a sharp-looking beak. I watched it in amazement, trying to find out its breed. My kid too walked into the kitchen and looked at the bird. 'Wood-pecker!' he whispered. I am not very sure, but the sharp beak did give some pecking-like vibes. The bird nibbled on some grains and flew away. It came once again after that day. I haven't seen it thereafter. I hope it comes. 

The kitchen is also the place where the play of clouds and light goes on continously. At 11 in the morning, bright sunlight comes in through the window, and I switch off the artificial lights in the kitchen. Half an hour later, a passing-by gray cloud moves in the sky and covers the light. I sigh and switch on the light. Five minutes later, the sun shines brightly again and I switch off the light. Another cloud comes. This goes on till I have my lunch. I am used to this play of light. I look forward to it.

The kitchen is a place of chaos, and also an oasis of calm and peace for me. It is a place where I learn, and also the place which tests me about whatever I learnt! 

Indeed, a wonderland, in all ways!  

Dreams from the past

I started blogging in 2008. I created a blog-site of my own and started jotting down my thoughts.

Today, I was going through some of the blogs that I had started with. And I came across one titled - Things I Want To Do Before I Grow Old. 

I had almost forgotten about this blog, about the list of To-Do things that I had made. But what lifted my spirits is, unconsciously and without thinking about this list, I did do some of the things that I wanted to!

Well, there are some things pending. And some things that cannot be done now, I think. 

The list goes something like this:

1. Write a book. - I did! I wrote three books. And while they definitely won't come under 'Bestsellers', the satisfaction and happiness that came with publishing these books remains in the heart to this date. The first one was clearly an amateurish attempt but it gave me confidence to go ahead and paved the way for others. So, this is one task that I managed to do!

2. Visit the Himalayas. - Well, I almost did. Almost, because I went to Shimla and Manali, and saw the Himalayan Mountain Range from a distance. As good as going there, isn't it? Nah. Whom am I kidding?! A visit to the Himalayas will be something ethereal and mystical. I am immensely grateful that I could see the magnificent mountains and feel their magic. May be someday I will get to visit them from near. But until then, excuse me if I mark this task as 'Almost Achieved'!

3. Sit beside the pilot in the cockpit and watch the plane move through the clouds. - Sorry. This is something that I don't think I will be able to ever do. For starters, I don't have the required connections to be able to sit in the cockpit of the plane. Secondly, the last plane journey that I went through, put me off planes, like forever. The turbulence was unbearable and triggered a panic attack in me. I have never been this scared ever before! And I haven't set foot inside a plane again. I don't intend to. Which makes the 4th task really difficult to achieve.

4. Visit at least one foreign country. - Right. But how? Unless I can travel by road/rail? How many days would it take to reach the country? Will I have to sell my house to cover the expense? What will I return to, from the trip, if, in a perverse state of mind, I indeed sell my house? Nope. This task will now go under the list of Things I Better Forget About. 

5. Read as much as possible and learn as well! - Ah! My favourite! This is something that I am still doing. Am I reading? Am I! I read till everyone gets a headache just looking at me. And when I read about philosophy or spirituality or religion, I note down memorable points in my giant book that I have specially reserved for this. So I am learning too! Reading as well as learning. Because I can't survive without either of these. Because books are my lifeline, my escape from life, my coping mechanism to deal with the blows of life. 

6. Go on a cruise. - Pending. But someday I hope too. Water has always fascinated and terrified me. I am awed by its sheer power. Someday I would like to stand on a cruiser and watch a sunset. With dolphins playing around. And the sound of waves. And the cruiser slicing through the waters. Can't wait to do this!

7. Earn a five-digit salary. - Now, why I would write this one? Ah, I remember. I was working on a contract basis and was earning a four-digit figure. Eventually I did earn in five digits. It wasn't much, but it helped a lot. The main question is - did it make me happy? The answer, sadly, is No. Because it wasn't something I wanted to do. I did learn a lot. And I am grateful for the life-lessons learnt during that period of time.

I have always believed in focusing on the things that I am grateful for. And today, after reading my old blog, my gratitude-list has increased manifold. 

Dear Life, the only thing that I really ask of you now, is to constantly remind me to be grateful always. For where I am now. And for everything you have given me! 

The Kindness Movement

We will start this blog with a case scene.

Imagine waking up one day and checking your social media accounts (like most of us do, I am sure) and finding out that you are trending. You are trending because someone made a funny meme on you and now it is viral. You are shocked, aghast seeing this. You find it the topic of discussion in most of your whatsapp groups. People send messages asking - Have you seen this? The serious ones in your contacts urge you to take strict action against whosoever did this. The sensitive ones say that they have deleted the meme and won't forward it. The funny and casual ones tease you and tell you of their contribution in forwarding the meme. You are stunned. The meme is funny, sure, but it makes fun at your expense! You feel the need to disconnect from the social media for some time till the fervour dies down. And you exit from all the groups in whatsapp.

Take another case.

It is a re-union of your school friends and you attend it wearing a bold and revealing dress you are comfortable in. You enjoy with your friends and have a great time. Few days later you check the post in the FB page of your school where pictures of the re-union have been posted. You happily re-live the memories when you see the comments on you. These are comments from some other batch of the school, and not all are flattering. While some applaud you for your bold choice in the dress, there are some who are ripping you apart, calling you 'vulgar' and 'attention-seeking'. Then there are some lewd comments from some perverts too. You feel uncomfortable suddenly. And you close the site. But a little damage has already been done. Your mood has dimmed.

And now, imagine this happening to someone who is already feeling low and has been quietly battling depression since a while now. What if the meme, or the unflattering comments strike the final nail on him/her and drive that person to take some desperate measure??

These things are happening now, people. 

Funny memes are made on celebrities, insulting them and those memes are forwarded everywhere. The common public interact directly with the celebrities through various media and bash and troll them. Simply because they can. 

And this is not just about celebrities.

I feel that, for some reason, the social media makes us brave and reckless to hurt people, even those whom we care about, with whom we have spent our childhood or teenage. A slight difference of opinion with regards to politics or religion sparks a hot debate in Whatsapp group and ends up alienating those people who went to school together. It starts as an argument and then it takes a personal turn with people finding ways to hurt each other through 'messages'. I wonder whether they would fight and argue face-to-face as severely as they do online. Is the virtual presence a motivation to speak out without any consideration or thought for our own peace or for the feelings of the other? 

Is a difference of opinion a reason to turn our friends into people who dislike us? 

We are living in difficult times. The morale is low, tempers and frustration is high. The media contributes in creating panic as news channels keep showing 'the rising number of cases' every minute, every day. I wish they would find a positive way to share news. Like, just inform the number of recovered cases too! And like they show sad news with all the sad background music of violin, may be they could shout out the recovered cases in a manner of celebration and joy. Something that is grossly needed today. 

At such difficult times, it is imperative of us to practice every form of kindness. A smile, a friendly word, an encouraging and motivating sentence is all that is needed to brighten up someone's day. 

Locked at home and no one in contact with, there isn't much I can do to bring the change in people's mindsets. But there are certain things that I can do, and will do, and hope that you too would do them, dear reader.

Firstly, I am not going to forward any kind of meme that makes fun at someone's expense. Humour is essential in life but not if it hurts someone. If the meme is about a situation and doesn't target any individual, then I believe there is no harm in forwarding it. In fact it needs to be forwarded so that someone somewhere will have a good laugh, and it wont even be at anyone's expense! 

Secondly, I will not forward any un-verified news about the pandemic, or impending earthquakes, or end of the world. In fact, I will make sure to forward and post only positive news, news that will brighten up someone's mood and won't contribute to the raging inferno of the pandemic scare. 

I am going to refrain from posting any political or religious opinion in any groups. If anyone posts anything that I don't agree with, I won't comment on that. I will stay silent. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and to each one, his/her own! I won't lose a friend simply over a difference of opinion.

And while I am not a big movie buff, I do wish that people would stop criticising movies or giving bad reviews. What didn't work for one, might work for another! If you loved a movie, then go ahead and give it a glowing review. But if you didn't like a movie, then there is no need to review it at all! May be someday it would come to pass that good movies get excellent review and the movies that didn't quite strike the mark won't be criticised or commented upon. It takes tremendous efforts, both for a good movie and a mediocre movie and ripping apart the movie or its cast kind of feels ruthless. Let us leave it at 'tough luck, wishing bright future ahead!'. I already do this with books. I am in a book-group and whenever I read a book that I loved, I give a good review about the same in the group. But if I didn't relate to a particular book, I don't write anything about it. As a wanna-be writer myself, I know what it takes to think, imagine and write it out. I have had my own share of flak and criticism, and I know what it can do to a writer. 

As the quote goes - 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle'. People suffer physically and mentally, and another unkind word or gesture can break them completely. Let us all be kind to everyone. While there are many forms of kindness, sometimes, the simplest form is to not say anything at all when the situation demands of you to be rude or unkind. Be kind to your family. Don't condemn or criticise. Encourage and inspire! 

So, what prompted this rant? 

There is something deeply painful about a 34 year old, super-talented, highly educated, philosophical, dreaming actor requesting his fans to watch his movies else he will be thrown out of Bollywood. He struggled, he failed to cope and he opted for the rope. And now the sighs and laments pour in from all sides saying - 'I wish I knew', ' I wish I was there', 'I wish I had reached out to you'. The time to reach out to your loved ones, the time to know your loved ones and the time to be there for your loved ones is - when they are alive!  Reach out to your family, your friends and be there for them always, so that they know that they are loved and cared for.

Be kind in every way you can!

So, reader, are you with me in The Kindness Movement? I hope you are, and I hope that you too will make your important contribution in making the world a better place, simply by being kind. If you can relate to this, and if this feels feasible to you, then please do share it with your loved ones and friends so that The Kindness Movement gets even more people in its caravan. 

Thank you reader, and I have to say, by writing this out, the gloom that had enveloped my mind since three days has taken off slightly and I feel hopeful. 

A dream unfulfilled is a tragedy.

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Arjun saw the next entry in the book and looked at the watch. He smiled. Like always, you chose your lunch break to meet me.

Rishi walked in with a guitar-case slung on his shoulders. Like always, he was wearing a cap and goggles. They did nothing to conceal his royal bearings. But these accessories, coupled with a plain shirt and jeans made him look like just another guy. Which he wasn't definitely.

He hailed from a wealthy family, uber-wealthy, actually. His father was a business moghul known all over the world for his successful business. There were already books written on him. Rishi's mother was a silent partner in all her husband's dealings and had already made her name in the world with the various charity projects that she handled. 

And here was Rishi, someone whom the world already knew as the heir apparent to a fortune.

"Hey, I brought lunch." Rishi said as he sat on the chair and placed the guitar case almost reverentially on the table. He took out a packet from his bag. A delicious aroma of North-Indian food wafted from the packet.

"Oh, I wish you would stop bringing me lunch. Is it necessary to bring this every time?" Arjun asked although his stomach rumbled.

"It is the least I can do." Rishi shrugged.

As Arjun opened the packet, Rishi took out his guitar from the case. He held it in the same way someone would hold a lover. Arjun smiled.

And then, as he did always, while Arjun had his lunch, Rishi played the guitar. Not only did he play it, he also sang along. His songs were composed by himself and carried depth and meaning. He sang really well.

But he aced the guitar. He played it so naturally that one could imagine that the guitar and Rishi were one. Arjun loved such afternoons. Having lunch and listening to really good music made  him feel as if he were in a themed restaurant and having a personal concert for himself.

The song finished.

"So, what do you say?" Rishi asked with a grin.

"You know what I would say. Amazing, just amazing. I just love your music, and your song." Arjun said sincerely.

Rishi beamed. His whole face lit up with happiness.

Arjun sighed. "Rishi, I don't understand why you won't.."

"Play the guitar openly, come out as a guitar-player? Thanks but no thanks. The first time I played the guitar at a family function, dad just killed my dream. I told this to you in our first session itself, right? What hurt me most was that he enjoyed the evening like every one, complimented me heartily. Just when I geared myself to inform him of making a career out of my passion, he called me to his room  after everyone had left. He forbade me totally to play it. Said it will divert me from my other duties - duties towards the family business that has been in the market since five decades. Said, no one from the family had gone into this kind of entertainment business and I was not to break the tradition. I was to just get into the family business like every guy or girl has done in my family."

Rishi's tone hardened in the end.

"I tried to convince him,  you know. I told him to listen to another of my performances. He did. And brought my hopes up. And then after I had finished playing, he took the guitar from my hand and dashed it to the ground. My first guitar - it just broke irreparably. I decided then and there to never ever play it before him."

Rishi tensed for a while. "Just to set the record straight, he doesn't know that I bought another guitar and I am playing it too. In fact, apart from you, nobody else knows. I just come to you because I need to perform in front of someone who will impartially judge my talent."

"And I keep telling you time and again, that what you are doing with the guitar is sheer magic. You are a natural guitarist, friend."

Rishi nodded and carefully placed the guitar inside the case. He started on his lunch.

Arjun took the opportunity to study him. When Rishi had first come to meet him, he had told that he was suffering from depressive thoughts. Gradually in the fourth session, the truth had come out that his dad had killed his dream of being a guitarist. Arjun couldn't understand what kind of hold his dad had over the guy. But then he gathered that being in the public eye as celebrities, the family had a name to protect, which must be the reason why Rishi didn't think of rebelling.

"Next week, I am off to this little village in Italy." Rishi said.

"Oh! Business trip?"

Rishi made a face. "Yeah. Another branch to be opened in the village. It is a tiny, remote village in the midst of nowhere. I am not sure how dad expects to open the branch and earn a profit too. Expects me to work miracles." He shook his head.

"Hmm.. Remote village in the midst of nowhere... seems like the perfect opportunity to go incognito and play the guitar." Arjun remarked casually.

Rishi stared at him.

"Are you really suggesting what I think you are?" He asked incredously.

Arjun shrugged. "Well, you need to check whether it is possible for you to do this. Seems like a good idea to me. You will get the satisfaction of having performed in front of an unsuspecting audience. I am not sure about the incognito part. That is something you have to think for yourself."

Rishi mused over it. Then he grinned suddenly. "You know, that sounds fabulous. Seems like something I can do. Let me think about it."

Arjun gave him a thumbs up. Soon, Rishi finished his lunch and they both cleaned the table.

"All right then, see you!" Rishi said, wearing his googles and his cap. Arjun's heart went out to him. The cost of being a celebrity! He walked him to the door and said 'All the best!'.

"I will send you the video hopefully." Rishi grinned and walked out with a swing in his step.

Psychiatries Diaries - The Housewife

You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.

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The next one to visit Arjun was Mrs.Sharma.

She stepped inside the cabin with the air of someone who had grown quite comfortable there. She gave him a full, warm smile and Arjun found himself smiling back at her. If he was allowed to have favourites, she would have made it to the top of the list.

She was one of those rare, blessed souls who were their own sunshine. She had such a positive aura that anyone who came into her vicinity was sure to feel calm. She always smiled, come what may. And that smile of hers added ounces to her natural beauty that came from a clean and pure heart.

So what was she doing in his cabin? Nothing. She felt the need for therapy because - she felt her life had grown dull. Monotonous. There was nothing exciting to look forward to.

And also because, she was unfortunate enough to land into a very difficult family, a family of people quick to anger, hurt and criticize, people who were battling their own inner demons and took out their rage and frustration on her.

Arjun could never understand what made her stay. Often he wished that she would find a way to break free from a place where she wasn't appreciated, where her presence was taken for granted. But as a psychiatrist, he wasn't supposed to directly influence people to take decisions. He could only assist them to think about what was good for them. What they did thereafter was solely at their discretion.

"Good morning, Arjun." She sat on the chair and smiled at him. She was one of those rare people who addressed him by his name.

"Good morning, Mrs.Sharma. And how is my favourite person today?" He asked brightly.

"Fine, and I know that you say this to every person you meet," She grinned at him and he laughed.

"No, not every person. But some people, for sure. So tell me, what is new. How have you been?"

"Things are going fine as usual." She said but there was something sad about her today. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, as Arjun observed.

"And yet your smile isn't as blinding as it is usually. Something is bothering you."

She gave him a resigned look that spoke volumes of how much she was hurting within.

"You know, today began as just another day. I did my chores as usual and tried not to give any reason to anyone to complain or fret."

You don't have to do that... Arjun thought sadly.

"Anyways, it so happened that someone from the family taunted me today, about not contributing financially to the home."

Arjun really wished she would disclose more about her family. She never mentioned the people who ill-treated her. It was always 'someone'.

"You are raising your daughter, looking after the elders, and taking care of the whole family. Doesn't this matter more than any kind of financial contribution?" Arjun asked gently.

She smiled and nodded her head. Cleared her throat and went on. "Well, I spoke to my husband and he said - By now you are already used to it, aren't you."

She paused. For few minutes, no one spoke.

"I think something else is troubling you. This is not the only matter, am I right?"

Her face was now a picture of sheer hurt. She spoke slowly. "Before that someone taunted me, they made sure that they had my complete attention."

"I didn't understand."

"I was engrossed in some work when they stood behind me. They waited till I finished my work and looked around at them. And then they hurled the taunt on me."

"What bothers you most about this?"

"The pause. They paused, just so that I can fully bear the effect of their words. Couldn't that pause helped them to reflect on what they were going to say, and why? They paused, Arjun, so that they could ensure that I would definitely feel the sting of the taunt. I can't help thinking how much they must have willed to hurt me. I wish I knew why. "

Arjun didn't say anything, for he sensed that more was to come.

"And then, when my husband said that I am already used to it... It was the truth, you know.. Somehow I became used to being disrespected, being ill-treated, being shouted at. And it disgusted me, for the first time. I am feeling angry with myself for getting used to this kind of treatment."

There were tears in her eyes but Arjun felt immense relief. May be there is hope for you now...

She needed to cry it out, so Arjun got up from his seat and walked towards the window of the cabin. He looked down and the busy road teeming with vehicles and people. How many of you are suffering silently, he thought sadly. He turned back and saw that Mrs.Sharma seemed composed now. He walked back towards his chair and handed over a glass of water to her. She smiled gratefully at him and took the glass.

"I am sorry, I am not usually the one to complain, you know. I just assumed that whatever I was feeling was just some kind of mid-life crisis. But it seems to have deeper roots." She sniffed.

"Okay, first things first, you don't look one bit middle-aged. If nothing, you look like you are in the prime of your youth." This made her smile, which was his intention.

"And secondly, it is okay to cry, to complain at times. The more you keep everything bottled up, the more you will feel the impact when all the pent-up emotions get released. So, you can complain and cry, that's why I am here."

She looked at him sadly. "I wish I could know what I can do know. I mean, I am in my forties. My whole life has gone by in serving my family, before and after my marriage. I guess I never spared a thought for myself. What can I possibly do now?"

Arjun thought for a while. He suddenly brightened up, for he had found a way to make her think about herself for a change.

"I will give you an assignment. Will you do it?" He asked eagerly.

"What would it require from me?" She asked hesitatingly.

"Nothing! Just a few precious minutes of your time. I want you to buy a nice notebook, something with a pretty cover that you like. And your favourite pen."

She looked at him in confusion.

"And name it as your Dream Journal. And for the first entry, you have to answer this question - If there were no limitations, no objections, no hurdles, what are the things you would like to do? You have to answer this with the assumption that for now, you are totally on your alone, with no one to stop you, or judge you, no hurdles at all. Just unlimited freedom and resources to do whatever you want to do. What all things would you do then? Prepare a list. There are no limitations for the number of entries. Can you do this?"

She thought for a while and straightened up. "Wow, I have never even thought about what I wanted. I guess this should be a fun exercise. Yeah, this feels like something I can do."

"Great! Show it to me the next time you come here. We can then decide about how to proceed ahead."

"All right then. I guess this is all for today." She said and got up from her seat. He walked with her to the door.

She turned around and looked at him with a bright smile. "I am so excited - all the things I want to do! I can now think about them. It feels soothing already."

"This is just the beginning. Gear up, for some really great things are on your way from now." Arjun said warmly. As he saw her walk with a new vigour in her step, he smiled from within. She had already taken the first step by realizing that she deserved better. Now he just had to help her know what she really wanted from life.

Psychiatrist Diaries - The Lonely Aged Man

I am not alone because loneliness is always with me.
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The next person to walk in was Mr.Kapoor.

Arjun greeted him warmly and like always, secretly wished that he too could age as gracefully as Mr.Kapoor. At the age of seventy, the senior still retained his tall and unbent physique and looked every bit classy and regal. Tanned face still unmarked by the vistage of time, thick white hair neatly combed to a side and the cane in hand completed the whole picture.

"Good morning, Son." Just another reason why Arjun had immediately warmed up to the senior. Very few people addressed him so.

"Let me order tea for us. I have missed your regular visits." Arjun called up the tea-vendor who had his stall opposite to his office and ordered tea. Mr.Kapoor waited patiently till Arjun had finished the call.

"I feel like I take up too much of your time. And then you go the extra mile to order tea or something else, always. I feel like I bother you." Mr.Kapoor said with a slight smile.

"Oh not at all, Mr.Kapoor! It is sheer delight to talk with you, I assure you. Now tell me how have you been doing, Sir?"

Mr.Kapoor sat up straighter in his seat and cleared his throat. "Well, I searched for a retirement home for me."

Before Arjun could react, there was a knock on his door and a man walked in with two glasses of tea. He greeted both Arjun and Mr.Kapoor, chatted with the senior for a few minutes and left.

Arjun sipped on his tea. It was delicious. "So what made you finally do this, Sir?"

Mr.Kapoor took his own time to reply. His fingers shook a little as he lifted the glass. "It has been due since a long time, this decision to move out. I have the perfect family anyone could ask for, you know. My son, my daughter-in-law and grand-daughter love me, and take care of me. I couldn't have asked for a better home to live in."

Arjun waited for the 'But..' that he knew would come.

"But it is not the same after Mrs.Kapoor passed away." Mr.Kapoor's voice quivered a little at the mention of his late wife. "Inspite of being surrounded by the best family I could hope for, I still feel like I don't belong there. I belong with Mrs. Kapoor. We were a team, we were supposed to stay together. She shouldn't have bailed out on me like this." Mr.Kapoor's eyes teared up a little and he looked towards a window from where the clear sky was visible.

Arjun allowed the senior some time to sober up. "What can I do to make this easier for you, Sir?" He asked gently and earnestly.

"Oh you have already done, son! My sessions with you since Mrs.Kapoor's death have helped me to cope with the grief. But I don't want the grief to end. She was one of a kind, you know. Loved me so deeply, and I loved her too. Her life deserves to be both celebrated and grieved. You never, ever stop grieving for someone like her."

"I can understand, Sir. Grief is a natural mechanism for the heart to heal. I am not saying that you should not grieve. I am just telling you to find a way to live peacefully, inspite of your grief."

Mr.Kapoor nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, and I don't feel at peace in my own house. And that is why I need to leave. I need to be in solitude, and yet among people whom I can relate to. The people in the retirement homes have lived their lives, like me. I feel connected to them already. And when you are at a place where you aren't much familiar with the people, you get both solitude and company. That is why I decided to move out."

Mr.Kapoor fumbled inside his bag, searching for something. Arjun waited patiently. Soon enough, the senior took out a brochure and gave it to Arjun. It was a brochure advertising the retirement home. It looked blissful, with individual little cottages, a temple, enough tracks for walking, an ampitheatre where some functions could be held and other necessities like ATM, medical store and a super-market. It was impressive enough.

"Have you discussed this with your son?" Arjun asked.

"Yes, I had discussed this with him much before our therapy sessions began. He wanted me to heal first, before being on my own. He understood my need for solitude and peace. The retirement home that I have chosen is in the same city, so I won't be away from him."

Arjun nodded and handed over the brochure to Mr.Kapoor. "Whatever makes you peaceful from within, Sir.. We all just want you to live a happy life."

"Happiness.. that is long gone. It went away with Mrs.Kapoor. I was happy when she was around. What hurts the most is, she was so healthy and in the prime of her life. One evening, we both are playing Ludo and I lose badly to her. I even get a bit cranky because of that. And that night, she decides to pass away in her sleep. A heart-attack, they said. I can't help feeling whether she felt any pain. Did she call out to me and I was too deep in sleep to hear? I can't help thinking about this."

"You cannot stress over questions which do not have any answer, Sir. The fact is, Mrs.Kapoor has passed away. And you still have a life to live, to lead and to inspire. Find the thing that motivates  you to wake up every morning, Sir. Physically, you are fine, faring much better than most of the seniors today. Mentally, you need to accept and move on. Life is precious, Sir, and needs to be lived fully."

"Yes." Mr.Kapoor said without any feeling. He got up slowly. "I will come to meet you again before I leave for the home. Once I go there..." Mr.Kapoor looked doubtful for the first time since his visit.

"Once you go there, you can still come and meet me anytime, Sir. I will miss our tea sessions together." Arjun smiled.

"Okay, I feel better. You are a good person, Arjun. Your parents must be so proud of you."

Arjun beamed, feeling grateful that both his parents were still hale and hearty and very much together. He got up from his seat to escort the senior outside.

"Have you ever seen or heard about the telecom, The Golden Girls?" Mr.Kapoor asked out of the blue.

"Yes, I have heard about it. But I haven't seen any episode."

Mr.Kapoor paused at the door of the cabin. "You know, it was Mrs.Kapoor's favourite, and I started watching it yesterday. There is this senior named Rose, and she said something very meaningful and deep. She said - We are old, and alone, and there is a lot of life ahead." He took a deep breath. "That is exactly how I feel, Son." He patted Arjun's shoulder and walked slowly towards the exit.

Arjun looked at his retreating back, realising that no amount of therapy could heal the feeling of loss and loneliness that old age brought sometimes.

Psychiatrist Diaries - The Rape Survivor

Experience taught her, hurt raised her; neither defined her.

Arjun entered his room and breathed in the familiar and comforting air around him. Unknowingly, this had become his second home, a much-loved place, a place where he felt calm and balanced.

It was ironical, his friends always said. How can a psychiatrist's cabin make anyone feel calm and balanced, they always asked. Don't you get frustrated by all the troubles your clients load on you? His friends asked him time and again.

How could he explain? He owed his calm and balanced mindset to his clients. He was required to be strong and non-judgemental for their sake, and so he did. With time, his cabin became the oasis of calm and peace. Many of his clients said that just by entering inside, they felt calm within. And to the second question that his friends asked always, he liked to say that the somewhat care-free and relieved patient walking out of his cabin was worth every dime of trouble.

He checked his appointment book and saw the first customer's name. He sobered up a little. She was a rape survivor, and her appointment wasn't due till another week. He hoped her sudden need for appointment wasn't anything serious. She had been responding well to therapy till now.

Half-n-hour later, Arjun heard a hesitating knock on the door and knew it was her. True enough, she shyly peeped inside and asked, 'May I?'.

"Please, Ms.Rucha, come inside."

She sat on the chair opposite to him and fiddled a while with her purse, searching for something. He gave her enough time to settle down. This was how she usually prepared herself to talk to him. After a while, when she was comfortable enough, she faced him. Arjun tried to read her mood. She seemed calm enough.

"So, I went to the jail yesterday. To meet him." She said. By 'him', she was referring to the rapist.

"Oh!" Arjun said, taken aback slightly. He would have wanted her to meet him first before meeting the rapist. He would have helped her to mentally prepare herself for the task. "How did it go?"

She shrugged. Arjun allowed himself the usual despair and anger that he felt whenever he thought about the incident that had broken her spirit completely. It was dreadful enough that she had been raped, the aftermath had resulted in name slandering and dragging to the courts. It took two months for the culprit to land behind bars. But her life had been altered forever.

Life was unfair, and how! It made him all the more determined to make it easier for as many people as he could.

"It was okay." She said.

He waited for her to elaborate. He knew that pushing her to talk never achieved anything. The first three sessions of her therapy had gone by with her not uttering a single word. In the fourth session, Arjun had sat silently until she herself had started speaking. Most of the session had gone by in crying, but that was still a beginning. She had come a long way since then.

She took a deep breath. "The idea came to me that day when I was just lying down and thinking about.. you know. Something inside me told me to meet him once. I didn't know what good or bad it would do, the meeting with him. I simply went by my instinct. It was more like, better to deal with it when I still have the courage and the readiness."

"Okay. That's good." Arjun said and waited, hoping that she would confide in him about the meeting.

She didn't disappoint him. "The next day I got up with the mission of meeting him, once and for all. I thought it would make me nervous, but it didn't. Rather, there was an urgency in me, to get this done immediately. It felt like it would give me the necessary closure to this mental trauma that I have been fighting with."

Arjun nodded encouragingly.

"When I entered the prison, I didn't feel any jitters. I was thoroughly prepared to meet him. And I did."

"What happened then?"

"We met, with him behind the bars and myself standing outside. I couldn't ask him anything, nor could I shout. I just stared at him, hoping that I would get some kind of answer, as to why he did it. Why couldn't my screams and pleas move him?? How could he do such a savage act?"

A month ago, just saying this would have reduced her to hysterics. But Arjun noted with pride and a touch of sadness, that all it did to her now was to make her breathe deeply.

"I didn't say anything. I kept looking at him. He then folded his hands before me, as if asking for forgiveness."

How can that rectify anything he did to you.. Arjun thought savagely but refrained from reacting.

"His eyes filled up and tears started flowing down. All the while, he just folded his hands and looked at me. At that moment of time, I finally understood that he himself had no answers, no explanation to why he did this. So, after a while, I did something I never expected myself to do."

"What?" Arjun asked, a bit concerned.

"I told him that I forgive him."

For a while none of them spoke. Arjun inhaled deeply.

"That was a - magnanimous gesture! What made you say it, and how do you feel now?"

She looked outside the window of the cabin, staring into nothingness. "I went through hell after what he did to me. But I am getting better every day. I have therapy, I have the full support of my family and my friends. So I feel I am blessed. But he has something worse in store for him. The jail in which he lives, is nothing compared to the prison in which his mind will stay from now. I saw remorse and regret in his eyes that day, and I know that they both will stay with him for a long time. So, I did the least I could do, and that is tell him that I forgive him."

Arjun was deeply impressed with her logic.

"As to how I feel, I feel - liberated. I feel like a thorn that had been piercing my heart has finally been removed. I feel free, Sir. I feel light after a long, long time."

The tears came again but this time Arjun knew they were tears of relief and respite from all the suffering and hatred she had borne in her mind. He allowed her to cry for some time.

And then, magic of all the magics, she smiled. She actually smiled for the first time in his office, in the four months of therapy she had been taking. He felt like shouting 'Yay!' to the whole world but decided it would come off as totally unprofessional of him.

"There is another thing I wanted to tell you. Something good, this time." She smiled yet again and he smiled back at her.

"This psychiatrist could do with all the good news you can give!" He said cheerfully.

"I am ready to think about being in a relationship."

Is it too soon, he thought in apprehension.

"Not that I am immediately going to get married or anything like that. I believe in taking small steps. So, I just registered myself on a marriage portal. And I have given all the information about me there." She looked at him, as if seeking his approval.

"That's a bold move, I have to say." He said cautiously.

"I know. It does feel like too soon, but at the end of the day, I am just like any other person, wanting to love and to be loved. So, for now, I am all about meeting people. Hopefully someone who is meant for me will come into my life at the right time." She said with a slight smile.

"You know how happy it makes me to hear words like 'love' and 'hope' from you?? You so deserve both of this, and much, much more! I am proud to say that you are doing really, really well. You have come a long way from the first silent session, and I see better and joyful times for you ahead."

She smiled shyly.

"So, it looks like you won't be needing my services any more now!" He said with his eyebrows raised.

For a second, she looked like her former self - wide-eyed, panicked and afraid. But the look was gradually replaced by one of acceptance. She nodded her head.

"I want  you to know that anytime you feel the need for therapy, please don't hesitate to seek out help." He said gravely. "Also remember that you deserve to be happy, to be at peace and everything good in life. Don't convince yourself otherwise, okay?"

He got up from his seat. To his pleasure, she extended her hand to him, the first time she had sought out human touch after the incident. He shook her hand warmly and escorted her out of the cabin, hoping and praying that she would never ever feel the need for therapy again. 

An Ode To Coffee!

I have always declared myself as a coffee-lover. For me, it is the panacea of all evils, this delicious hot-drink called coffee. It is the thing that I look forward to most, in the morning. It instantly brightens up my mood, and turns a bad day towards an adventurous one.

It all began somewhere in my teens, when I started preparing coffee for my father, who is another coffee-holic. Every time he told me to prepare coffee, I would end up preparing much more than what he wanted. So I would then partake the extra coffee. And thus began my love affair with this divine beverage.

Be it summer, rainy or winter season, I never could say 'No thanks' to coffee! In the noon of the scorching summer, I drank coffee. In the gloom of the rainy evening, I drank it. In the chilly misty morning of winter, I devoured it! I loved it with a passion. The aroma of the decoction prepared for filter coffee, the colour (somewhat a golden brown), and the kick, oh the kick! The stronger the coffee, the happier it made me!

I always inched more towards filter coffee. I still am partial to it. It is all the more special because of my grandma. She would roast coffee beans in the morning, grind them finely and use them to prepare the decoction. The aroma of roasted coffee beans cannot be described in words. Almost half of the people in my building would come to know that it was coffee-powder-making day in my house.

 After my grandma passed away, I started purchasing coffee powder from a South-Indian store. I would wait outside and chit-chat with the kind shop-owner while his assistant would grind the roasted coffee beans. The aroma brought in sweet memories of my grandma. (Come to think of it, it has been a while since I smelt this!) While I waited, the shop-owner would show me the new books arrived in the week and I would purchase copies of my favourite Twinkle and Gokulam (a delightful book for children that was very popular in those days; I am not sure whether it is still in circulation.) Of all the tasks I did, this was my favourite, purchasing coffee powder from this particular shop because it combined two of my loves - coffee and books!

No offence, but CCD pales in comparison to this. To be honest, I have visited few branches of CCD. And I hasten to clarify that I have found the coffee here to be absolutely delicious. Be it Cappuccino, Mochachillo, frappe or any of the numerous delicacies that CCD offers, I have loved each and every one of them. But for some reason, the simple filter coffee touches the heart like nothing else. May be because it has many special memories associated with it.

The best place to have coffee is obviously the south of India. Tamil Nadu takes the cream when it comes to coffee. It is something else when taken here. It becomes an unforgettable sensory experience, having coffee in the South.

And thus life went on, with five or more cups of coffee in a day.

Until one day, I took in some tea that was left-over after all my family members had it. For reasons unknown to me, I added some pepper powder and sugar in it. (Okay, truth - some pepper powder and lots of sugar!). And it felt - right. Not good, not delicious, but somehow it felt right.

Also, the constant knee pain demanded that I take in some calcium every day. So the second cup of coffee in the morning and in the evening was gradually replaced by Horlicks.  From five cups in a day, my coffee intake reduced to just two. Until I started drinking tea in the evenings.

And now, as on date, I just have one cup of coffee in a day. It feels unbelievable, it feels sad. But somehow, the health constraints replaced the cravings for coffee.

But this had made my bond with coffee all the more stronger. The first coffee of the day, which is also the only coffee for the whole day, has become all the more precious now. I savour the moment, I treasure the moment when I drink coffee in the morning. It has become the most anticipated moment of the day. I spend over ten minutes on the same, and these ten minutes are my personal mini-session of Spa For My Soul.

Dear Coffee, not to worry, because I still want to be known as a Coffee-holic, as a Coffee-Lover. And no matter how many beverages I drink, you will always be special! 

Musings of someone 'forty-ish'

Actually, there is still time to reach the magical figure 'when life starts'. But I can no longer deny that I am approaching my fortieth.

I guess I started land-marking my age when I reached my twentieth year. (Gosh, it seems so long ago!). I remember feeling dreadful that I was now twenty and no longer a teen. Of course, friends made it easier at that time. There was the feeling that I am young, at the prime of my life, and there is so much to do and achieve. So, twentieth birthday was fun, mainly because of friends.

I spent my thirtieth birthday in train. I was attending a dear cousin's wedding in Chennai and boarded the train from Mumbai on my thirtieth birthday. My aunt, sister, cousins and friends were travelling together for the first time and I remember feeling more excited about the trip than about the birthday. I remember when my husband surprised me at the station with a cake! He couldn't join me in the trip because of some official engagement. And I cut the cake at a crowded station, feeling slightly emotional. After all, thirty definitely felt very grown-up. When my ex-boss wished me through a message, I had written to her - Thanks Ma'am, but I turned thirty this year! Gone are the golden twenties!. Her reply was soothing - 'The thirties have a charm of their own!'.

Somehow I had expected some dread about reaching the fortieth. But all I feel is calm, and a deep sense of acceptance.

There are regrets, for sure. Looking back now, I wish I had worn those fashionable dresses which I so admired on others. Having come from a conservative household didn't allow room for much fashion. But what is worse is, I somehow convinced myself that those dresses aren't for me. It was a classic case of sour grapes. Now I see and have complete access to fashionable dresses, but somehow, the desire to wear them just disappeared with time.

While I am immensely grateful for my reading habit which began when I was about ten years old, I regret having realized late in life that I love writing too! I took up writing much later in life. And while I am not sure what kind of a writer I am, I know this much that writing an article gives me happiness.  I take a break every now and then from writing, but I just can't 'not write at all'!

I left my job when my kid turned one and we shifted to another city. It was supposed to be a temporary break, to help my kid settle down in the new place. Needless to say that five years have passed and the break progressed from temporary to permanent. The thought of working in an office again, starting as a fresher, facing office politics - it seems too overwhelming at this age. It is something that I can't go through again. So, while I am contented in the safety of my home, the need to be financially independent raises its head time and again and makes me regret the decision of leaving a job.

Also, I find that after a certain age, it is difficult to cultivate meaningful friendships. You can have acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues but friends? Nah. They are formed during the fun days of childhood, during the difficult yet enticing days of teenage. And the friends formed in these two important stages of life prove to be the real deal. In the not-so-new city, as I find myself with neighbours and acquaintances, I cant help missing my childhood friends who are still a part of my life, although the conversations are very rare now. The daily demanding routine of life leaves very less space for lengthy and delightful conversations with friends, and we slowly learnt to make do with the occasional message on whatsapp.

Life has been one roller-coaster ride. There are more things to be grateful for, than to regret.  And although the prospect of fortieth looms large in front of me, it doesn't scare me. Sure, that this fortieth will probably be spent at home, considering the dire situation around us. But still, it will be another welcome landmark of life.

Dear life, may be I didn't make my mark in the world as a memorable person. May be I didn't achieve or do anything great. But one thing I can say for sure is - I have lived you fully! Every moment of happiness, grief, excitement has been lived thoroughly and through. And while I am not sure of what the morrow may bring, I am grateful enough for whatever life has given me, till this present moment. 

No Longer His Shame Or Crime!

He read the news in his mobile app and sat down on the sofa as a rush of emotions overwhelmed him.
He closed his eyes and laid back his head on the sofa. A series of images flashed in his mind.

The first time when he realised that his choice was different. The feeling of terror, elation and confusion that followed thereafter.

The way he had avoided acknowledging himself for what he was. The tantrums, the fights over petty issues, staying locked in his room and avoiding everyone.

The way he had felt guilty when his parents assumed his behaviour as teenage issues and had tried to be patient with him.

The way he could not meet anyone's eyes - male or female.

The last two years had been the hardest. His parents, specially his mother, had been pressurizing him to get married. He had had a difficult time inventing excuses. At first he insisted on taking up some course for higher studies, then he brought up the excuse of an impending promotion in his office.

He recollected the most difficult part of his life. That day his parents had confronted him when he reached home and was having dinner with them.

"Is there any reason why you are avoiding marriage? We are fed up by the excuses that you have been giving us. Tell us if there is someone whom you would like to get married to. We will meet the girl and her parents too, if you wish. We just want to see you settle down and have a family of your own." His father had said firmly yet gently.

As usual he had opted to keep quiet. Then his mother began slowly in a trembling voice. "We hear a lot of things now-a-days. Unimaginable and unbelievable for us who have been raised in villages. They speak about people choosing partners of the same gender for themselves. Are you too... " She had not been able to continue for something about the way his hand had stilled while eating, the way he had closed his eyes, something about his body language had given him up. When his father had shouted 'What?' in deep outrage and his mother had burst into sobs, he had quietly left the dining table.

It had taken another year for his parents to adjust with and accept him for what he was. His mother had been the first to soften. She had, all by herself, read various articles and had slowly learnt that it was not a big sin to be what he was. She had read stories of people proudly proclaiming to the world about the support that they had been providing to their children. It had motivated her and he would never forget the day when she had stopped him while he was leaving for office and said to him in a soft voice filled with love and affection. "You will always be my dear boy, come what may. I am there with you." He had just hugged her and had broken down just a little bit. Once his mother accepted him, it became much more easier for his father too. There had been no open declarations of support from his father, but he no longer avoided him and made it a point to have breakfast and dinner together like they all used to before. His dad also started talking to him about general topics and the wall that had suddenly erupted between him and his dad had slowly started dissolving.

And today the news article about the verdict on Section 377 flashed in his mobile screen and brought him respite from the mental agony and suffering that he had borne since almost twenty years. He smiled from within as finally in the thirty-second year of his life, he accepted himself for what he was - Just another individual who could love a person unconditionally.

His mobile signaled a text message. He checked it and smiled. It was from his soul-mate, his partner of ten years.

Coffee at the cafe? Want to celebrate today. There was a smiley with the message.


He smiled and typed Yes! . It was no longer his crime or shame, just another reason to celebrate and love.

The Quest For Peace

There comes a time in the lives of people when they suddenly see their life for its lack of originality and reality and they start questioning about What Lies In Store Ahead.

My time came in the month of January 2019. There was this intense need to find inner peace, to find my true purpose in life and most importantly, to maintain a state of equilibrium through all kinds of situations.

I took a much-needed break from social media, de-activating my Whatsapp account and uninstalling my Facebook from my mobile.Being a voracious reader, my first resort was - reading. And not just reading, but reading something that would help me in my quest. I have always been a fan of fiction and light-hearted rom-coms (Romantic Comedies). It was time to change my preferred genre.

There is this saying, you know, that when you really want something, the Universe will conspire in your favor! The concept of Stoicism (a belief-system that basically advocates leading a reason-based and logic-based life and maintaining inner calm in all situations) and Mindfulness (the art of being in a perpetually meditative state - i.e. doing everything with awareness, focus and concentration) kept coming to my attention through books, newspapers and suggestions from friends. I read the likes of Marcus Aurelius, Thich Nhat Hahn and Emerson and got lost in a world of philosophical quotes and gems that I know I will treasure forever. Along with reading these priceless authors, I started making notes of the points that I wanted to read later again. And thus started a wonderful healing process of reading and writing that gave me immense peace and helped me to calm down.

That was not all that I did. It was time to start my Yoga sessions again. I had stopped doing Yoga exercises for almost six months or so. I started them with a renewed vigor and made breathing-exercises and meditation, an important part of my daily routine. Mostly I remembered to practice Mindfulness every moment. While cooking, sweeping, washing the dishes, I tried to focus only on the task at hand and empty mind of all distractions. Sometimes, I succeeded. Many a times, I failed. But I didn't give up practicing Mindfulness.

After two months of living in a solitary state, cut-off from the social world, I felt the first pangs of loneliness and activated my Whatsapp account. The same old awesome friends greeted me, and I was happy to be a part of the world again. But this time, I ensured that I didn't become feverishly addicted to Whatsapp or Facebook.

After doing all these, the question arises - Have I found my inner peace? The answer is both Yes and No.

Because I realized and learned that the quest for inner peace doesn't lead you to any promised destination, it is rather the journey that prepares and teaches you what you need to know! Does the state of Inner Peace exist? Yes. Can you stay there forever? No! You have to keep looking for it, doing the things that lead you to it. It is not the station, it is the train!

When I look back, the happiest and most peaceful moments have been in my quest, while I was reading, or doing some breathing exercises, or meditating. It's while doing all these that I connected to my true self and found my place of calm. I still have my off-days that disturb my equilibrium, but I now know that I can go back to my peaceful center anytime, by doing the activities that help me to stay calm and balanced.

It's a continuous journey, this quest for peace. So for all those who are seekers in this path, I want to say - Enjoy the journey, my friends! For it is in the journey that you will find what you seek for. The secret is in finding what you love to do and what appeals to you.


As for me, I am still a seeker, and as the quote goes - While I am not where I exactly wanted to be, I am grateful for where I am and excited about where I am going! 

The Journey Of Life

Ahead lay a long road, sometimes straight and sometimes curvy
There were miles to walk and countries to pass
I thought I had everyone with me and the walk would be lively
But many a times, I found it was only me.



When the night came and the shadows sprang forth
When a new lane came into view
When the path ahead was unfamiliar and new
Those were the times when I found myself alone.



Though fear was a constant companion
and anxiety of the unknown path ahead kept up with me
I knew I had to keep walking
however long, unwinding and dangerous the road ahead be.



Many a times I found unasked and unexpected
the pleasure of strangers' company,
We will walk with you for a while, they said
For some distance they journeyed with me.



Our destination was the same but paths were different
And we parted when the road divided
I found my solitude join me again
and on and on we together travelled.



At the end I reached a meadow
With beautiful and colorful flowers,
Far ahead lay large and majestic mountains
And clouds hovering over them promising cool showers.



It lifted my spirits, this beautiful place
It renewed my strength and washed away my tiredness
I forgot the long road that I had travelled
For my heart was now filled with happiness



Because, there at the most beautiful place,
I found them all whom I thought I had lost in my journey
They stood with outstretched hands and beautiful smiles
It was as if they had sprung up from my memory.



I ran ahead with laughter and joy
basking in the glorious feeling that I wasn't now alone
After  journeying in solitude forever,




Here, in the end, with my loved ones, I was finally at home.

When He Had 'The Talk' With His Daughter!

If you were there now, you would have done this wonderfully. He thought, checking his late wife's photograph in his wallet, like he always did whenever he faced any kind of difficulty.

Five years had passed after her untimely death in an accident. He and his daughter (barely six years old, at that time) had staggered and reeled under the blow. For almost a year, he was in a state of blank, doing his duties automatically and paying attention only when it came to his daughter who had become his lifeline.

The world went after him, asking, demanding, cajoling and emotionally-blackmailing him to remarry. He had stubbornly refused. There was no place in his heart for someone else. Every woman, after marriage, deserved the whole-hearted attention and love of her husband. He knew he would never be able to do that again and he had resolutely decided to never to bring that kind of grief to anyone's life voluntarily and knowingly. He had his daughter, and that's all he wanted.

But today, he badly wished for his wife's presence. Not that there was ever a moment that he didn't miss her. But he had learnt to live without her and had put his heart and soul into his daughter whom he had raised very lovingly. He used a balanced technique of a little bit of strictness and a little bit of softness while dealing with her. She knew she was his weakness, and she also knew that she was never allowed to take advantage of him in any way. Thinking about his daughter filled his heart with love and pride. She had turned out to be the best of the best. Innocent, strong yet kind and jovial by nature, she had adjusted to her mother's absence in a much better manner than he had adjusted to his wife's absence.

So how do I do this? He thought miserably. It was Menstrual Hygiene Day and that had brought home the hard truth that he was yet to inform his daughter about this phase of life. He didn't know how he felt exactly. There was a little bit of awkwardness, for sure. The only lady to whom he had been really close was no more, and he barely talked to any other females, let alone discuss such matters. But he knew he would have to inform his daughter at any cost.

On a whim, he typed 'Menstrual Cycle' in google to know more about it. He clicked on the link that he felt was most useful and read about it. The more he read about menstruation and periods, the more he felt awe and wonder for all that a woman went through and was capable of.  With every article he read, his respect for women grew by leaps and bounds. Suddenly he felt like smiling. This wasn't awkward any more. It was a much-needed and beautiful cycle of life for ladies, although when he read about the taboos surrounding the subject, he shook his head. Each and every taboo was unnecessary, and over-rated, he decided. He would present this to this daughter in the way it was meant to - positively and with lot of patience and care. Reading about the cycle made everything much easier for him. With renewed vigor he finished his coffee and left his office canteen to catch the next available bus to his home.

He reached the creche where his daughter spent the day after her school. He remembered the heart-breaking feeling of leaving her there on the first day when he had to join his office after a month's leave. He obviously couldn't stop working, and she needed someone to look after her in his absence. The girl had shown amazing resilience when he had dropped her at the creche for the first time. The only indication of her turmoil was the quivering of her lips when he waved bye to her. The rest of the walk from the creche to his bus-stop had been blurry with the tears that had overwhelmed him completely.


We have come a long way from that day, my princess.. He thought sadly. Though she was grown-up now and almost eleven years old, she still wanted to spend the day at the creche. She had made some friends in the building where the creche was located, and she enjoyed with them.

As he rang the doorbell, he smiled at the sound of footsteps running towards the door. It was opened eagerly by none other than his daughter who smiled widely at him and hugged him hard. As he returned her hug, he knew that he would never love anyone else as much as he loved this precious girl.  After waving bye to the lady managing the creche, they both left.

Two hours later, the father and his girl had had their dinner, played some indoor games and were now lying on the bed watching a late-night comedy show. He knew it was time to talk to her. He searched for some kind of hesitation or awkwardness but realized that he didn't feel anything at all, except the excitement to inform his princess about her next phase of life. He smiled and cleared his throat.

" Princess, there is something that you should know." When she turned her eager eyes towards him after switching off the television, he felt overwhelming love for his little girl flood up his heart. He silently sent a grateful thought towards his late wife and slowly began. "There comes a phase in the life of every girl, you know..." As she snuggled up close to him, he knew that 'The Talk' had lost the last bit of hesitation and awkwardness. Hugging her securely in his embrace, he told his princess about the phase of life that would eventually make her a Queen.

You and I!

"Done with dicing the vegetables." Ravi got up from the chair and stretched his hands lazily.

"Where are you off to? Grate the coconut." Kirti said crisply.

Ravi glared at his wife for few seconds and with a tired and dramatic sigh, sat down to grate the coconut. He looked at the watch. It was just 6.30 am. Remind me again, why did I take up retirement? Oh yes, to 'enjoy' and 'relax'. Right.

"Why do you need coconut?" he asked.

Kirti placed her hands on her hips and stared at him. Uh oh.. this cannot be good. Nothing good has followed this pose. Ravi gulped uncertainly, trying to put on a brave facade. You don't scare me, woman. You will never know that you scare me, woman!

"Someone said yesterday that he wanted saambar rice for lunch today. Remember? There are no free meals, mister. You earn your saambar and rice here." She said in a serious tone and he nodded his head.

Remind me to not to ask for saambar again. Daal. From now on, it is always Daal on the menu.

An hour later, Ravi came out of his room, the aroma of breakfast wafting towards him. He chuckled.
Not aroma. Seems like it is Paratha for breakfast today.  And that means, some teasing is on the cards.

"You turned fifty-years-old this year, didn't you?" Ravi asked her lightly as he entered the kitchen and bit back a smile when she turned around and gave him a frosty look.

"I turned fifty. Your point is...?

"Fifty years, and still you can't make a paratha without burning at least a part of it," Ravi said with a slight laugh, gearing himself up for the inevitable fight that was to follow.

She shot him a disgusted look. "I believe you will be turning fifty-five years old this year?" She asked him angrily.

He nodded, controlling his impulse to laugh.

"And how many perfect parathas have you made in your fifty-five years of life?" Kirti asked with a tight smile.

Ravi burst out laughing and Kirti hid her smile.

An hour later, Ravi was blissfully reading the newspaper when Kirti came to him, all dressed up for going out.

"I need to go to the temple." She told him.

He looked at her curiously. "Okay. Since when do you need my permission to go anywhere, sorry, do anything at all?"

She shook her head in exasperation. "Old man, I need a drop to the temple."

"Fine. I will book a cab for you." Ravi said with a twinkle in his eyes while she shot him a challenging look.

"All right. I will wait. Go ahead and book the cab." She sat on the sofa with a smile. Let me see you book the cab.

Ravi took his own time with his mobile. "Hmmm. It appears that there are no cabs today. Looks like I will have to drop you myself." He got up from his chair with an overly-dramatic sigh. "What is the use of retiring early if you have to work even more than you used to?" As he went to his room to get his scooter-keys, Kirti rolled her eyes. Such over-acting! 

"You have put on weight," Ravi said as they were riding on his scooter and felt Kirti stiffen in response.

"What makes you say so?" She asked stiffly.

"I am finding it difficult to ride fast on the scooter, with you seated behind me. Remember how I used to speed up?"

"Why can't you simply accept that you are not as young and bold as you used to be? I have not put on weight." Kirti said stubbornly and Ravi laughed out loud. She hit him softly on his hand and smiled.

Fifteen minutes later they reached the temple. Kirti got down from the scooter and looked at Ravi. He looked everywhere except at her. And then finally gave up. "All right, I am coming in too. But only so that you will leave me in peace for the rest of the day."

"Ha. Dream about it, Old man. Trust me, your days of peace ended on the last day of your office." Kirti said smugly and Ravi just shook his head with a smile. "Go ahead. I will park the scooter and join you."

They both stood in front of the temple deity with folded hands.

Kirti bowed her head. Thank you for Ravi, the most beautiful part of my life. 

Ravi closed his eyes. Hey, it's not that I don't believe in You. How can I not believe, when someone as wonderful as Kirti is present in my life! It's just that, I put up a pretense before her, of not wanting to go to temple or praying. It makes her feel that I am doing all this on her insistence and that is how I want it to be. Will always be grateful to you for the greatest blessing of my life - this wonderful woman standing and praying beside me. Thank you!

They sat inside the temple for a few minutes and got up to leave. Ravi looked out of the temple towards the bay on whose shore the temple was situated. Endless water stretched up to wherever he could look.

"Want to sit by the shore for some time? I know you will have some work for me the moment we reach home. I want to enjoy at least some moments of peace and tranquillity." Ravi teased her.

"All right if that is what you want. It is better to spend some time here, rather than listen to you whine about the housework or hear the news blaring from the television." Kirti shot back.

"We might as well enjoy a cup of coffee at the coffee stall there. At least you won't fight with me when there are witnesses around." He laughed as she hit him on his hand playfully.


And then, by an unspoken understanding, they both held hands and walked towards the coffee stall.

Crazy And Priceless Moments With My Kid!

So, I am a mother. And like all mothers, my days (and nights as well) revolve around my kid who just turned six years old, by the way.

And some of the craziest and silliest moments of my life have been those where my kid humbled me, showed me my true place, all (apparently) unintentionally.

So, that fine day, I and my kid were taking a ride in an auto. The kid saw a petrol pump and kept staring at it thoughtfully.

I braced myself for what was coming through.

The embarrassing session went something like this:

Kid: What would happen if petrol spills on the road?

Me (unsuccessfully trying to hide my relief, for this question was simple enough, or so I assumed... In the next few minutes, I wouldn't know what hit me): oh, it shouldn't, you know. It can easily catch fire.

Kid (staring at me with wide, curious eyes): Can it flow like water? And when it spills on the road, can it seep beneath the earth? And what happens, if, indeed the petrol spills on the road, seeps beneath, and someone constructs a building over that area, not knowing that there is petrol underneath?? And what if someone's kitchen is just over the area??

Me: Silence. Deep, embarrassing silence…


And sometimes I am 'shocked' into silence.

Like that day, when my six-year-old pleaded to me - 'Please take me to the tattoo shop. I want to get a tattoo!'


And here is another incident to be added to the list of 'Embarrassing Silences Of My Life':

My kid - Amma, what do you mean by feast?

Me (Relieved to find a question that I can actually answer without having to Google it): It is food served and eaten during celebrations and special days.

My kid (smirks at me, searches his bag for something, gives a triumphant expression on finding it, takes it out - it's a packet of biscuits. Then asks coolly) - Then what do you mean by Sunfeast?

Me - Embarrassing silence… (You think I would have got used to this by now!)

And then that particular morning:

Me: Have a look outside, kiddo. It's a dark and cloudy day. It looks like it may rain and there is a strong cold breeze too.

Kid: Will a Toofan come? (He suddenly gets excited). What if a tornado comes? Do we have tornadoes in India, or only in other countries?

Me: (thinking - When, and how did this kid learn about tornadoes?? And then I remembered. He had a chart showing all kinds of Natural Disasters. Right...)

And in the end, as if I wasn't humiliated enough, when the kid saw me struggling to answer him, he coolly said - Why don't you Google it?
Yep. That’s it.

And that's when I purchased five types of an encyclopedia!

I know that these moments, though often silly, crazy and (sometimes) irritating, will turn out to be some of the best memories of the times spent with my kid. I treasure them, I cherish them and I write them out, because giving words is the only tribute I have for these priceless moments of wonder and awe (and of course, embarrassment, goes without saying.).


So bring it on kiddo, ask the heck out of me. Either you will learn, or I will, or it will go down as Another Embarrassing Silence Of My Life, but nevertheless, another beautiful memory to be added to the Hall Of Beautiful Moments!