Actually, there is still time to reach the magical figure 'when life starts'. But I can no longer deny that I am approaching my fortieth.
I guess I started land-marking my age when I reached my twentieth year. (Gosh, it seems so long ago!). I remember feeling dreadful that I was now twenty and no longer a teen. Of course, friends made it easier at that time. There was the feeling that I am young, at the prime of my life, and there is so much to do and achieve. So, twentieth birthday was fun, mainly because of friends.
I spent my thirtieth birthday in train. I was attending a dear cousin's wedding in Chennai and boarded the train from Mumbai on my thirtieth birthday. My aunt, sister, cousins and friends were travelling together for the first time and I remember feeling more excited about the trip than about the birthday. I remember when my husband surprised me at the station with a cake! He couldn't join me in the trip because of some official engagement. And I cut the cake at a crowded station, feeling slightly emotional. After all, thirty definitely felt very grown-up. When my ex-boss wished me through a message, I had written to her - Thanks Ma'am, but I turned thirty this year! Gone are the golden twenties!. Her reply was soothing - 'The thirties have a charm of their own!'.
Somehow I had expected some dread about reaching the fortieth. But all I feel is calm, and a deep sense of acceptance.
There are regrets, for sure. Looking back now, I wish I had worn those fashionable dresses which I so admired on others. Having come from a conservative household didn't allow room for much fashion. But what is worse is, I somehow convinced myself that those dresses aren't for me. It was a classic case of sour grapes. Now I see and have complete access to fashionable dresses, but somehow, the desire to wear them just disappeared with time.
While I am immensely grateful for my reading habit which began when I was about ten years old, I regret having realized late in life that I love writing too! I took up writing much later in life. And while I am not sure what kind of a writer I am, I know this much that writing an article gives me happiness. I take a break every now and then from writing, but I just can't 'not write at all'!
I left my job when my kid turned one and we shifted to another city. It was supposed to be a temporary break, to help my kid settle down in the new place. Needless to say that five years have passed and the break progressed from temporary to permanent. The thought of working in an office again, starting as a fresher, facing office politics - it seems too overwhelming at this age. It is something that I can't go through again. So, while I am contented in the safety of my home, the need to be financially independent raises its head time and again and makes me regret the decision of leaving a job.
Also, I find that after a certain age, it is difficult to cultivate meaningful friendships. You can have acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues but friends? Nah. They are formed during the fun days of childhood, during the difficult yet enticing days of teenage. And the friends formed in these two important stages of life prove to be the real deal. In the not-so-new city, as I find myself with neighbours and acquaintances, I cant help missing my childhood friends who are still a part of my life, although the conversations are very rare now. The daily demanding routine of life leaves very less space for lengthy and delightful conversations with friends, and we slowly learnt to make do with the occasional message on whatsapp.
Life has been one roller-coaster ride. There are more things to be grateful for, than to regret. And although the prospect of fortieth looms large in front of me, it doesn't scare me. Sure, that this fortieth will probably be spent at home, considering the dire situation around us. But still, it will be another welcome landmark of life.
Dear life, may be I didn't make my mark in the world as a memorable person. May be I didn't achieve or do anything great. But one thing I can say for sure is - I have lived you fully! Every moment of happiness, grief, excitement has been lived thoroughly and through. And while I am not sure of what the morrow may bring, I am grateful enough for whatever life has given me, till this present moment.
I guess I started land-marking my age when I reached my twentieth year. (Gosh, it seems so long ago!). I remember feeling dreadful that I was now twenty and no longer a teen. Of course, friends made it easier at that time. There was the feeling that I am young, at the prime of my life, and there is so much to do and achieve. So, twentieth birthday was fun, mainly because of friends.
I spent my thirtieth birthday in train. I was attending a dear cousin's wedding in Chennai and boarded the train from Mumbai on my thirtieth birthday. My aunt, sister, cousins and friends were travelling together for the first time and I remember feeling more excited about the trip than about the birthday. I remember when my husband surprised me at the station with a cake! He couldn't join me in the trip because of some official engagement. And I cut the cake at a crowded station, feeling slightly emotional. After all, thirty definitely felt very grown-up. When my ex-boss wished me through a message, I had written to her - Thanks Ma'am, but I turned thirty this year! Gone are the golden twenties!. Her reply was soothing - 'The thirties have a charm of their own!'.
Somehow I had expected some dread about reaching the fortieth. But all I feel is calm, and a deep sense of acceptance.
There are regrets, for sure. Looking back now, I wish I had worn those fashionable dresses which I so admired on others. Having come from a conservative household didn't allow room for much fashion. But what is worse is, I somehow convinced myself that those dresses aren't for me. It was a classic case of sour grapes. Now I see and have complete access to fashionable dresses, but somehow, the desire to wear them just disappeared with time.
While I am immensely grateful for my reading habit which began when I was about ten years old, I regret having realized late in life that I love writing too! I took up writing much later in life. And while I am not sure what kind of a writer I am, I know this much that writing an article gives me happiness. I take a break every now and then from writing, but I just can't 'not write at all'!
I left my job when my kid turned one and we shifted to another city. It was supposed to be a temporary break, to help my kid settle down in the new place. Needless to say that five years have passed and the break progressed from temporary to permanent. The thought of working in an office again, starting as a fresher, facing office politics - it seems too overwhelming at this age. It is something that I can't go through again. So, while I am contented in the safety of my home, the need to be financially independent raises its head time and again and makes me regret the decision of leaving a job.
Also, I find that after a certain age, it is difficult to cultivate meaningful friendships. You can have acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues but friends? Nah. They are formed during the fun days of childhood, during the difficult yet enticing days of teenage. And the friends formed in these two important stages of life prove to be the real deal. In the not-so-new city, as I find myself with neighbours and acquaintances, I cant help missing my childhood friends who are still a part of my life, although the conversations are very rare now. The daily demanding routine of life leaves very less space for lengthy and delightful conversations with friends, and we slowly learnt to make do with the occasional message on whatsapp.
Life has been one roller-coaster ride. There are more things to be grateful for, than to regret. And although the prospect of fortieth looms large in front of me, it doesn't scare me. Sure, that this fortieth will probably be spent at home, considering the dire situation around us. But still, it will be another welcome landmark of life.
Dear life, may be I didn't make my mark in the world as a memorable person. May be I didn't achieve or do anything great. But one thing I can say for sure is - I have lived you fully! Every moment of happiness, grief, excitement has been lived thoroughly and through. And while I am not sure of what the morrow may bring, I am grateful enough for whatever life has given me, till this present moment.
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