The Making...

He had to tell them today. It couldn’t be put off any longer. Varun waited till everyone had finished their dinner. His father and grandfather were just about to get up when he cleared his throat and announced “I want to talk to you about something.”

His mother, who had already started clearing the table, sat in a chair and Varun tensed as three pairs of eyes looked at him expectantly – His parents and his grandfather.

“I have decided to join the army. “

A shocked silence greeted his statement. Varun’s first instinct was to look at his mother who was clutching a plate in her hand very tightly. Pure fear and sorrow radiated in her eyes. He couldn’t look at her any further and turned his attention towards his father who was staring at his empty plate, his face totally devoid of any expression. His grandfather then got up from his chair, walked towards him and placed his hand on Varun’s head, blessing him. He then went out of the room.

Okay, one down, two to go... Varun thought, a bit relieved.

Without another word, his parents left the table. Varun saw his mother angrily clear the table of all plates and dishes. He waited for few minutes to give her some time to calm down and then went inside the kitchen where she was washing the dishes at the sink, a bit too vigorously.

“Ma, I really want to do this.” He said slowly and waited for her reply. She gave no indication of having heard what he said and continued washing the dishes.

“Ma, please try to understand... This is the only job that gives me a purpose to live. It is a honour to serve my country and my people and to fight for them too.”

She again said nothing. Varun couldn’t bear it any longer. “Please say something Ma. Your silence is killing me.”

She then looked at him and to Varun’s utter disbelief, tears filled up in her eyes. He had never seen her cry before and it hurt him a lot to see her so. “Ma, please...”

She raised a hand to stop him and took several long deep breaths to control her emotions. When she spoke, her voice quivered with suppressed sorrow. “I have seen what our army men are subject to now-a-days. There is no safety for them. Almost every day they get killed. As if that is not enough, they get killed very barbarically... “At this her self-control broke down and she started sobbing, her whole body shaking with the weight of her sorrow.

Varun immediately went and hugged her, wishing he could say something that could allay her fears. But what could he say? That such things won’t happen to him? That he will be very safe and secure? He knew the dangers that lay facing him but they did nothing to divert his mind from his decision. There was no other work that he would like to do, now that he had decided to join the army.

“Ma, you are worrying unnecessarily. I won’t be facing any real danger immediately. I will be at the IMA in Dehradun, undertaking training for at least a year. The real fun will start after that.” He added playfully, hoping to lighten her mood. It somewhat worked, for she softly hit his arm and withdrew herself from his embrace. She looked at his face with pure tender love and Varun had to control himself to not to break down.

“I am being a very ungrateful Indian, isn’t it? Here my boy wishes to join the army and I am reacting like a typical self-centred mother. I can’t help it Varun. Every day I am going to spend worrying about you. Please think of doing something else. There are many other options for you. You don’t have to do this!” She said with lots of desperation and frustration.

“Ma, working in the army is the highest honour for any Indian. Do you really think I can let go of this and rather do something else? I have been dreaming about this since a year. This is in my blood now. There is nothing that I can do other than this.” He said firmly and yet slowly to allow it to sink in her mother’s mind.

She hugged him again and held on to him for a long time, sobbing at times and taking long breaths to control herself. Varun helplessly held her, wishing that it were easier for both of them. They both stood like that for a long time without saying anything.

“Promise me you will come home whenever it is possible for you.” She said softly and Varun didn’t have the heart to tell her that from this point onwards, there was nothing that he could promise.

“I promise Ma, I will come home as and when I am allowed to. You know I can’t stay away from you for long.”

She then smiled at him and said “Go and talk to your dad. He won’t let you off as easily as I did.”

Varun nodded sadly and went to his parents’ room thinking that this one would test his strength and courage like none other.

His dad was standing near the window of their room and gazing out, his arms folded loosely and a pensive expression on his face. He looked fit, Varun thought proudly. He was immensely glad that his parents were very active and healthy middle-aged people about whose health he won’t have to worry about for a long time. His father managed a very successful IT company and had provided his family with all the comforts and luxuries that rich people could afford. That was another relief for Varun that his family was financially strong and he didn’t have to worry about income.

“Papa... Are you angry with me?” Varun asked him, standing beside the window and looking at him with a pleading expression.

“When did you decide to join the army?” His father asked quietly, his steady voice betraying nothing.

“I have been thinking about this since a year. And two months ago, I attempted the UPSC exam for defence services. I thought I would inform you after I get cleared.”

“Do you know what is in store for you? And I am not talking about wars and battles. I am trying to tell you about the struggles that you will face every day of your life as an army man. The training, the camps, the constant vigilance... You have been raised with luxury. It is one thing to sleep in an air-conditioned room and another thing to sleep in a small hollow at Siachen. Have you thought about this?”  His father asked him, his face radiating pure anger and sorrow at the thought of the hardships his son would have to face.

“I have thought about this, Papa. It doesn’t matter to me. I will be fine anywhere and anyhow. This job makes my life meaningful. I will have the satisfaction of having made a difference to the world in my own small way.”

“Difference to the world? And what about your immediate family? What about your parents and your grandfather? Do we mean nothing to you?” His father asked, his voice breaking with emotion.

Varun swallowed the lump in his throat and replied softly. “You already know the answer to this, Papa. You three are my world and will always be. I can serve my nation, keeping you three in my heart. Wherever I may be, my thoughts will be with only you. I will talk to you all as and whenever possible. Please don’t make it any more difficult for me and let me go with your blessings, Papa...”

His father blinked away the tears that formed in his eyes and asked gruffly, “What about some girlfriend of yours who can persuade you to stay?”

Varun smiled and said, “I don’t have a girlfriend Papa. May be I was pre-destined to be an army man.”

His father then broke out into tears and Varun only held his shoulder, feeling more and more miserable watching his father cry.

“When do you have to leave?” His father asked after he had spent himself crying and wiped his eyes and face.

“In three weeks, Papa. I will be undertaking training at Dehradun. It will be for a year and then...” He left it unspoken, not wanting to upset his dad anymore.

His father nodded, considerably calm by now. With a tired sigh he said, “I forgot to say, I am very proud of you son. You will be fine; I know it in my heart...” Varun could only smile and nod as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything.

The three weeks seem to fly by. Already Varun felt like a stranger in his home and amongst his friends. They had first supported his decision heartily and encouraged him. But as the day of his departure neared, he found he had lesser and lesser to talk with them. It was as if he had already been singled out and couldn’t find anything to talk to them. His friends also started maintaining a certain distance, as if scared of getting hurt if they got too close to him. In a way, it made it easier for Varun as he already had to face the pain of saying goodbye to his family.

The situation in his home was miserable. His mother joked with him at times and when she thought no one was looking, he had caught her crying in her room or at their balcony. His father seemed cool enough outwardly, but Varun could see that he had withdrawn into himself, talking only if required and staying inside his room most of the times. Only his grandfather stayed unaffected, carrying out his daily routine with his usual vigour.

Soon the day of departure came. On his last day at home, his mother made his favourite dishes for lunch. He ate them with relish, trying not to think about his next home made meal. Silence and sorrow weighed heavy in his home and he got an inclination of how his home would be after he left. He concentrated on the present moment and managed not to break down.

He had strictly forbidden his parents from coming to the station to drop him off. He knew it would be very difficult for all of them to bear that moment. So when the time came to leave his home, he tried to leave without making a big fuss. However it didn’t turn out to be as simple as he had thought.

His mom sobbed uncontrollably while holding on to him. He held her, trying to say something to soothe her but her sobs drowned out whatever he wanted to say. Seeing the futility of speech, he just held her tightly and allowed her to cry her heart out.

“It’s okay Ma, I will call you every day all right... No more tears please... I can’t see you like this... For my sake, please stop crying Ma... “He said miserably and his mother somehow collected herself and managed to calm down. By this time his father and grandfather had also started crying. He just couldn’t find anything more to say and hugged them both one after another. Without saying another word and a final look at his home, he left for the station.

An hour later, Varun boarded the train and kept his luggage securely beneath his seat. He sat down and looked at his beloved city from the train’s window and kept on looking at it as the train left the station slowly. He then went to refresh himself.

And there, inside the toilet of the train to Dehradun, the boy Varun who was yet to become a soldier, cried unashamedly. He allowed the tears to flow freely as he cried for his parents and his grandfather. He cried for all his friends whom he had left behind and for a part of his life that he knew he would never get back.

It took him a while to calm down even after he returned to his seat. As he kept looking outside the window, he saw one pretty scenery after another flash in front of him. Farms, hills and valleys presented themselves to him, as if to soothe his pain and gradually he felt an immense sense of peace flood his mind. He thought with a smile, you called me my Motherland, and here I come... He finally let go of the boy within him to make way for a soldier in the making.