Psychiatrist Diaries - The Rape Survivor

Experience taught her, hurt raised her; neither defined her.

Arjun entered his room and breathed in the familiar and comforting air around him. Unknowingly, this had become his second home, a much-loved place, a place where he felt calm and balanced.

It was ironical, his friends always said. How can a psychiatrist's cabin make anyone feel calm and balanced, they always asked. Don't you get frustrated by all the troubles your clients load on you? His friends asked him time and again.

How could he explain? He owed his calm and balanced mindset to his clients. He was required to be strong and non-judgemental for their sake, and so he did. With time, his cabin became the oasis of calm and peace. Many of his clients said that just by entering inside, they felt calm within. And to the second question that his friends asked always, he liked to say that the somewhat care-free and relieved patient walking out of his cabin was worth every dime of trouble.

He checked his appointment book and saw the first customer's name. He sobered up a little. She was a rape survivor, and her appointment wasn't due till another week. He hoped her sudden need for appointment wasn't anything serious. She had been responding well to therapy till now.

Half-n-hour later, Arjun heard a hesitating knock on the door and knew it was her. True enough, she shyly peeped inside and asked, 'May I?'.

"Please, Ms.Rucha, come inside."

She sat on the chair opposite to him and fiddled a while with her purse, searching for something. He gave her enough time to settle down. This was how she usually prepared herself to talk to him. After a while, when she was comfortable enough, she faced him. Arjun tried to read her mood. She seemed calm enough.

"So, I went to the jail yesterday. To meet him." She said. By 'him', she was referring to the rapist.

"Oh!" Arjun said, taken aback slightly. He would have wanted her to meet him first before meeting the rapist. He would have helped her to mentally prepare herself for the task. "How did it go?"

She shrugged. Arjun allowed himself the usual despair and anger that he felt whenever he thought about the incident that had broken her spirit completely. It was dreadful enough that she had been raped, the aftermath had resulted in name slandering and dragging to the courts. It took two months for the culprit to land behind bars. But her life had been altered forever.

Life was unfair, and how! It made him all the more determined to make it easier for as many people as he could.

"It was okay." She said.

He waited for her to elaborate. He knew that pushing her to talk never achieved anything. The first three sessions of her therapy had gone by with her not uttering a single word. In the fourth session, Arjun had sat silently until she herself had started speaking. Most of the session had gone by in crying, but that was still a beginning. She had come a long way since then.

She took a deep breath. "The idea came to me that day when I was just lying down and thinking about.. you know. Something inside me told me to meet him once. I didn't know what good or bad it would do, the meeting with him. I simply went by my instinct. It was more like, better to deal with it when I still have the courage and the readiness."

"Okay. That's good." Arjun said and waited, hoping that she would confide in him about the meeting.

She didn't disappoint him. "The next day I got up with the mission of meeting him, once and for all. I thought it would make me nervous, but it didn't. Rather, there was an urgency in me, to get this done immediately. It felt like it would give me the necessary closure to this mental trauma that I have been fighting with."

Arjun nodded encouragingly.

"When I entered the prison, I didn't feel any jitters. I was thoroughly prepared to meet him. And I did."

"What happened then?"

"We met, with him behind the bars and myself standing outside. I couldn't ask him anything, nor could I shout. I just stared at him, hoping that I would get some kind of answer, as to why he did it. Why couldn't my screams and pleas move him?? How could he do such a savage act?"

A month ago, just saying this would have reduced her to hysterics. But Arjun noted with pride and a touch of sadness, that all it did to her now was to make her breathe deeply.

"I didn't say anything. I kept looking at him. He then folded his hands before me, as if asking for forgiveness."

How can that rectify anything he did to you.. Arjun thought savagely but refrained from reacting.

"His eyes filled up and tears started flowing down. All the while, he just folded his hands and looked at me. At that moment of time, I finally understood that he himself had no answers, no explanation to why he did this. So, after a while, I did something I never expected myself to do."

"What?" Arjun asked, a bit concerned.

"I told him that I forgive him."

For a while none of them spoke. Arjun inhaled deeply.

"That was a - magnanimous gesture! What made you say it, and how do you feel now?"

She looked outside the window of the cabin, staring into nothingness. "I went through hell after what he did to me. But I am getting better every day. I have therapy, I have the full support of my family and my friends. So I feel I am blessed. But he has something worse in store for him. The jail in which he lives, is nothing compared to the prison in which his mind will stay from now. I saw remorse and regret in his eyes that day, and I know that they both will stay with him for a long time. So, I did the least I could do, and that is tell him that I forgive him."

Arjun was deeply impressed with her logic.

"As to how I feel, I feel - liberated. I feel like a thorn that had been piercing my heart has finally been removed. I feel free, Sir. I feel light after a long, long time."

The tears came again but this time Arjun knew they were tears of relief and respite from all the suffering and hatred she had borne in her mind. He allowed her to cry for some time.

And then, magic of all the magics, she smiled. She actually smiled for the first time in his office, in the four months of therapy she had been taking. He felt like shouting 'Yay!' to the whole world but decided it would come off as totally unprofessional of him.

"There is another thing I wanted to tell you. Something good, this time." She smiled yet again and he smiled back at her.

"This psychiatrist could do with all the good news you can give!" He said cheerfully.

"I am ready to think about being in a relationship."

Is it too soon, he thought in apprehension.

"Not that I am immediately going to get married or anything like that. I believe in taking small steps. So, I just registered myself on a marriage portal. And I have given all the information about me there." She looked at him, as if seeking his approval.

"That's a bold move, I have to say." He said cautiously.

"I know. It does feel like too soon, but at the end of the day, I am just like any other person, wanting to love and to be loved. So, for now, I am all about meeting people. Hopefully someone who is meant for me will come into my life at the right time." She said with a slight smile.

"You know how happy it makes me to hear words like 'love' and 'hope' from you?? You so deserve both of this, and much, much more! I am proud to say that you are doing really, really well. You have come a long way from the first silent session, and I see better and joyful times for you ahead."

She smiled shyly.

"So, it looks like you won't be needing my services any more now!" He said with his eyebrows raised.

For a second, she looked like her former self - wide-eyed, panicked and afraid. But the look was gradually replaced by one of acceptance. She nodded her head.

"I want  you to know that anytime you feel the need for therapy, please don't hesitate to seek out help." He said gravely. "Also remember that you deserve to be happy, to be at peace and everything good in life. Don't convince yourself otherwise, okay?"

He got up from his seat. To his pleasure, she extended her hand to him, the first time she had sought out human touch after the incident. He shook her hand warmly and escorted her out of the cabin, hoping and praying that she would never ever feel the need for therapy again. 

An Ode To Coffee!

I have always declared myself as a coffee-lover. For me, it is the panacea of all evils, this delicious hot-drink called coffee. It is the thing that I look forward to most, in the morning. It instantly brightens up my mood, and turns a bad day towards an adventurous one.

It all began somewhere in my teens, when I started preparing coffee for my father, who is another coffee-holic. Every time he told me to prepare coffee, I would end up preparing much more than what he wanted. So I would then partake the extra coffee. And thus began my love affair with this divine beverage.

Be it summer, rainy or winter season, I never could say 'No thanks' to coffee! In the noon of the scorching summer, I drank coffee. In the gloom of the rainy evening, I drank it. In the chilly misty morning of winter, I devoured it! I loved it with a passion. The aroma of the decoction prepared for filter coffee, the colour (somewhat a golden brown), and the kick, oh the kick! The stronger the coffee, the happier it made me!

I always inched more towards filter coffee. I still am partial to it. It is all the more special because of my grandma. She would roast coffee beans in the morning, grind them finely and use them to prepare the decoction. The aroma of roasted coffee beans cannot be described in words. Almost half of the people in my building would come to know that it was coffee-powder-making day in my house.

 After my grandma passed away, I started purchasing coffee powder from a South-Indian store. I would wait outside and chit-chat with the kind shop-owner while his assistant would grind the roasted coffee beans. The aroma brought in sweet memories of my grandma. (Come to think of it, it has been a while since I smelt this!) While I waited, the shop-owner would show me the new books arrived in the week and I would purchase copies of my favourite Twinkle and Gokulam (a delightful book for children that was very popular in those days; I am not sure whether it is still in circulation.) Of all the tasks I did, this was my favourite, purchasing coffee powder from this particular shop because it combined two of my loves - coffee and books!

No offence, but CCD pales in comparison to this. To be honest, I have visited few branches of CCD. And I hasten to clarify that I have found the coffee here to be absolutely delicious. Be it Cappuccino, Mochachillo, frappe or any of the numerous delicacies that CCD offers, I have loved each and every one of them. But for some reason, the simple filter coffee touches the heart like nothing else. May be because it has many special memories associated with it.

The best place to have coffee is obviously the south of India. Tamil Nadu takes the cream when it comes to coffee. It is something else when taken here. It becomes an unforgettable sensory experience, having coffee in the South.

And thus life went on, with five or more cups of coffee in a day.

Until one day, I took in some tea that was left-over after all my family members had it. For reasons unknown to me, I added some pepper powder and sugar in it. (Okay, truth - some pepper powder and lots of sugar!). And it felt - right. Not good, not delicious, but somehow it felt right.

Also, the constant knee pain demanded that I take in some calcium every day. So the second cup of coffee in the morning and in the evening was gradually replaced by Horlicks.  From five cups in a day, my coffee intake reduced to just two. Until I started drinking tea in the evenings.

And now, as on date, I just have one cup of coffee in a day. It feels unbelievable, it feels sad. But somehow, the health constraints replaced the cravings for coffee.

But this had made my bond with coffee all the more stronger. The first coffee of the day, which is also the only coffee for the whole day, has become all the more precious now. I savour the moment, I treasure the moment when I drink coffee in the morning. It has become the most anticipated moment of the day. I spend over ten minutes on the same, and these ten minutes are my personal mini-session of Spa For My Soul.

Dear Coffee, not to worry, because I still want to be known as a Coffee-holic, as a Coffee-Lover. And no matter how many beverages I drink, you will always be special! 

Musings of someone 'forty-ish'

Actually, there is still time to reach the magical figure 'when life starts'. But I can no longer deny that I am approaching my fortieth.

I guess I started land-marking my age when I reached my twentieth year. (Gosh, it seems so long ago!). I remember feeling dreadful that I was now twenty and no longer a teen. Of course, friends made it easier at that time. There was the feeling that I am young, at the prime of my life, and there is so much to do and achieve. So, twentieth birthday was fun, mainly because of friends.

I spent my thirtieth birthday in train. I was attending a dear cousin's wedding in Chennai and boarded the train from Mumbai on my thirtieth birthday. My aunt, sister, cousins and friends were travelling together for the first time and I remember feeling more excited about the trip than about the birthday. I remember when my husband surprised me at the station with a cake! He couldn't join me in the trip because of some official engagement. And I cut the cake at a crowded station, feeling slightly emotional. After all, thirty definitely felt very grown-up. When my ex-boss wished me through a message, I had written to her - Thanks Ma'am, but I turned thirty this year! Gone are the golden twenties!. Her reply was soothing - 'The thirties have a charm of their own!'.

Somehow I had expected some dread about reaching the fortieth. But all I feel is calm, and a deep sense of acceptance.

There are regrets, for sure. Looking back now, I wish I had worn those fashionable dresses which I so admired on others. Having come from a conservative household didn't allow room for much fashion. But what is worse is, I somehow convinced myself that those dresses aren't for me. It was a classic case of sour grapes. Now I see and have complete access to fashionable dresses, but somehow, the desire to wear them just disappeared with time.

While I am immensely grateful for my reading habit which began when I was about ten years old, I regret having realized late in life that I love writing too! I took up writing much later in life. And while I am not sure what kind of a writer I am, I know this much that writing an article gives me happiness.  I take a break every now and then from writing, but I just can't 'not write at all'!

I left my job when my kid turned one and we shifted to another city. It was supposed to be a temporary break, to help my kid settle down in the new place. Needless to say that five years have passed and the break progressed from temporary to permanent. The thought of working in an office again, starting as a fresher, facing office politics - it seems too overwhelming at this age. It is something that I can't go through again. So, while I am contented in the safety of my home, the need to be financially independent raises its head time and again and makes me regret the decision of leaving a job.

Also, I find that after a certain age, it is difficult to cultivate meaningful friendships. You can have acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues but friends? Nah. They are formed during the fun days of childhood, during the difficult yet enticing days of teenage. And the friends formed in these two important stages of life prove to be the real deal. In the not-so-new city, as I find myself with neighbours and acquaintances, I cant help missing my childhood friends who are still a part of my life, although the conversations are very rare now. The daily demanding routine of life leaves very less space for lengthy and delightful conversations with friends, and we slowly learnt to make do with the occasional message on whatsapp.

Life has been one roller-coaster ride. There are more things to be grateful for, than to regret.  And although the prospect of fortieth looms large in front of me, it doesn't scare me. Sure, that this fortieth will probably be spent at home, considering the dire situation around us. But still, it will be another welcome landmark of life.

Dear life, may be I didn't make my mark in the world as a memorable person. May be I didn't achieve or do anything great. But one thing I can say for sure is - I have lived you fully! Every moment of happiness, grief, excitement has been lived thoroughly and through. And while I am not sure of what the morrow may bring, I am grateful enough for whatever life has given me, till this present moment. 

No Longer His Shame Or Crime!

He read the news in his mobile app and sat down on the sofa as a rush of emotions overwhelmed him.
He closed his eyes and laid back his head on the sofa. A series of images flashed in his mind.

The first time when he realised that his choice was different. The feeling of terror, elation and confusion that followed thereafter.

The way he had avoided acknowledging himself for what he was. The tantrums, the fights over petty issues, staying locked in his room and avoiding everyone.

The way he had felt guilty when his parents assumed his behaviour as teenage issues and had tried to be patient with him.

The way he could not meet anyone's eyes - male or female.

The last two years had been the hardest. His parents, specially his mother, had been pressurizing him to get married. He had had a difficult time inventing excuses. At first he insisted on taking up some course for higher studies, then he brought up the excuse of an impending promotion in his office.

He recollected the most difficult part of his life. That day his parents had confronted him when he reached home and was having dinner with them.

"Is there any reason why you are avoiding marriage? We are fed up by the excuses that you have been giving us. Tell us if there is someone whom you would like to get married to. We will meet the girl and her parents too, if you wish. We just want to see you settle down and have a family of your own." His father had said firmly yet gently.

As usual he had opted to keep quiet. Then his mother began slowly in a trembling voice. "We hear a lot of things now-a-days. Unimaginable and unbelievable for us who have been raised in villages. They speak about people choosing partners of the same gender for themselves. Are you too... " She had not been able to continue for something about the way his hand had stilled while eating, the way he had closed his eyes, something about his body language had given him up. When his father had shouted 'What?' in deep outrage and his mother had burst into sobs, he had quietly left the dining table.

It had taken another year for his parents to adjust with and accept him for what he was. His mother had been the first to soften. She had, all by herself, read various articles and had slowly learnt that it was not a big sin to be what he was. She had read stories of people proudly proclaiming to the world about the support that they had been providing to their children. It had motivated her and he would never forget the day when she had stopped him while he was leaving for office and said to him in a soft voice filled with love and affection. "You will always be my dear boy, come what may. I am there with you." He had just hugged her and had broken down just a little bit. Once his mother accepted him, it became much more easier for his father too. There had been no open declarations of support from his father, but he no longer avoided him and made it a point to have breakfast and dinner together like they all used to before. His dad also started talking to him about general topics and the wall that had suddenly erupted between him and his dad had slowly started dissolving.

And today the news article about the verdict on Section 377 flashed in his mobile screen and brought him respite from the mental agony and suffering that he had borne since almost twenty years. He smiled from within as finally in the thirty-second year of his life, he accepted himself for what he was - Just another individual who could love a person unconditionally.

His mobile signaled a text message. He checked it and smiled. It was from his soul-mate, his partner of ten years.

Coffee at the cafe? Want to celebrate today. There was a smiley with the message.


He smiled and typed Yes! . It was no longer his crime or shame, just another reason to celebrate and love.

The Quest For Peace

There comes a time in the lives of people when they suddenly see their life for its lack of originality and reality and they start questioning about What Lies In Store Ahead.

My time came in the month of January 2019. There was this intense need to find inner peace, to find my true purpose in life and most importantly, to maintain a state of equilibrium through all kinds of situations.

I took a much-needed break from social media, de-activating my Whatsapp account and uninstalling my Facebook from my mobile.Being a voracious reader, my first resort was - reading. And not just reading, but reading something that would help me in my quest. I have always been a fan of fiction and light-hearted rom-coms (Romantic Comedies). It was time to change my preferred genre.

There is this saying, you know, that when you really want something, the Universe will conspire in your favor! The concept of Stoicism (a belief-system that basically advocates leading a reason-based and logic-based life and maintaining inner calm in all situations) and Mindfulness (the art of being in a perpetually meditative state - i.e. doing everything with awareness, focus and concentration) kept coming to my attention through books, newspapers and suggestions from friends. I read the likes of Marcus Aurelius, Thich Nhat Hahn and Emerson and got lost in a world of philosophical quotes and gems that I know I will treasure forever. Along with reading these priceless authors, I started making notes of the points that I wanted to read later again. And thus started a wonderful healing process of reading and writing that gave me immense peace and helped me to calm down.

That was not all that I did. It was time to start my Yoga sessions again. I had stopped doing Yoga exercises for almost six months or so. I started them with a renewed vigor and made breathing-exercises and meditation, an important part of my daily routine. Mostly I remembered to practice Mindfulness every moment. While cooking, sweeping, washing the dishes, I tried to focus only on the task at hand and empty mind of all distractions. Sometimes, I succeeded. Many a times, I failed. But I didn't give up practicing Mindfulness.

After two months of living in a solitary state, cut-off from the social world, I felt the first pangs of loneliness and activated my Whatsapp account. The same old awesome friends greeted me, and I was happy to be a part of the world again. But this time, I ensured that I didn't become feverishly addicted to Whatsapp or Facebook.

After doing all these, the question arises - Have I found my inner peace? The answer is both Yes and No.

Because I realized and learned that the quest for inner peace doesn't lead you to any promised destination, it is rather the journey that prepares and teaches you what you need to know! Does the state of Inner Peace exist? Yes. Can you stay there forever? No! You have to keep looking for it, doing the things that lead you to it. It is not the station, it is the train!

When I look back, the happiest and most peaceful moments have been in my quest, while I was reading, or doing some breathing exercises, or meditating. It's while doing all these that I connected to my true self and found my place of calm. I still have my off-days that disturb my equilibrium, but I now know that I can go back to my peaceful center anytime, by doing the activities that help me to stay calm and balanced.

It's a continuous journey, this quest for peace. So for all those who are seekers in this path, I want to say - Enjoy the journey, my friends! For it is in the journey that you will find what you seek for. The secret is in finding what you love to do and what appeals to you.


As for me, I am still a seeker, and as the quote goes - While I am not where I exactly wanted to be, I am grateful for where I am and excited about where I am going! 

The Journey Of Life

Ahead lay a long road, sometimes straight and sometimes curvy
There were miles to walk and countries to pass
I thought I had everyone with me and the walk would be lively
But many a times, I found it was only me.



When the night came and the shadows sprang forth
When a new lane came into view
When the path ahead was unfamiliar and new
Those were the times when I found myself alone.



Though fear was a constant companion
and anxiety of the unknown path ahead kept up with me
I knew I had to keep walking
however long, unwinding and dangerous the road ahead be.



Many a times I found unasked and unexpected
the pleasure of strangers' company,
We will walk with you for a while, they said
For some distance they journeyed with me.



Our destination was the same but paths were different
And we parted when the road divided
I found my solitude join me again
and on and on we together travelled.



At the end I reached a meadow
With beautiful and colorful flowers,
Far ahead lay large and majestic mountains
And clouds hovering over them promising cool showers.



It lifted my spirits, this beautiful place
It renewed my strength and washed away my tiredness
I forgot the long road that I had travelled
For my heart was now filled with happiness



Because, there at the most beautiful place,
I found them all whom I thought I had lost in my journey
They stood with outstretched hands and beautiful smiles
It was as if they had sprung up from my memory.



I ran ahead with laughter and joy
basking in the glorious feeling that I wasn't now alone
After  journeying in solitude forever,




Here, in the end, with my loved ones, I was finally at home.

When He Had 'The Talk' With His Daughter!

If you were there now, you would have done this wonderfully. He thought, checking his late wife's photograph in his wallet, like he always did whenever he faced any kind of difficulty.

Five years had passed after her untimely death in an accident. He and his daughter (barely six years old, at that time) had staggered and reeled under the blow. For almost a year, he was in a state of blank, doing his duties automatically and paying attention only when it came to his daughter who had become his lifeline.

The world went after him, asking, demanding, cajoling and emotionally-blackmailing him to remarry. He had stubbornly refused. There was no place in his heart for someone else. Every woman, after marriage, deserved the whole-hearted attention and love of her husband. He knew he would never be able to do that again and he had resolutely decided to never to bring that kind of grief to anyone's life voluntarily and knowingly. He had his daughter, and that's all he wanted.

But today, he badly wished for his wife's presence. Not that there was ever a moment that he didn't miss her. But he had learnt to live without her and had put his heart and soul into his daughter whom he had raised very lovingly. He used a balanced technique of a little bit of strictness and a little bit of softness while dealing with her. She knew she was his weakness, and she also knew that she was never allowed to take advantage of him in any way. Thinking about his daughter filled his heart with love and pride. She had turned out to be the best of the best. Innocent, strong yet kind and jovial by nature, she had adjusted to her mother's absence in a much better manner than he had adjusted to his wife's absence.

So how do I do this? He thought miserably. It was Menstrual Hygiene Day and that had brought home the hard truth that he was yet to inform his daughter about this phase of life. He didn't know how he felt exactly. There was a little bit of awkwardness, for sure. The only lady to whom he had been really close was no more, and he barely talked to any other females, let alone discuss such matters. But he knew he would have to inform his daughter at any cost.

On a whim, he typed 'Menstrual Cycle' in google to know more about it. He clicked on the link that he felt was most useful and read about it. The more he read about menstruation and periods, the more he felt awe and wonder for all that a woman went through and was capable of.  With every article he read, his respect for women grew by leaps and bounds. Suddenly he felt like smiling. This wasn't awkward any more. It was a much-needed and beautiful cycle of life for ladies, although when he read about the taboos surrounding the subject, he shook his head. Each and every taboo was unnecessary, and over-rated, he decided. He would present this to this daughter in the way it was meant to - positively and with lot of patience and care. Reading about the cycle made everything much easier for him. With renewed vigor he finished his coffee and left his office canteen to catch the next available bus to his home.

He reached the creche where his daughter spent the day after her school. He remembered the heart-breaking feeling of leaving her there on the first day when he had to join his office after a month's leave. He obviously couldn't stop working, and she needed someone to look after her in his absence. The girl had shown amazing resilience when he had dropped her at the creche for the first time. The only indication of her turmoil was the quivering of her lips when he waved bye to her. The rest of the walk from the creche to his bus-stop had been blurry with the tears that had overwhelmed him completely.


We have come a long way from that day, my princess.. He thought sadly. Though she was grown-up now and almost eleven years old, she still wanted to spend the day at the creche. She had made some friends in the building where the creche was located, and she enjoyed with them.

As he rang the doorbell, he smiled at the sound of footsteps running towards the door. It was opened eagerly by none other than his daughter who smiled widely at him and hugged him hard. As he returned her hug, he knew that he would never love anyone else as much as he loved this precious girl.  After waving bye to the lady managing the creche, they both left.

Two hours later, the father and his girl had had their dinner, played some indoor games and were now lying on the bed watching a late-night comedy show. He knew it was time to talk to her. He searched for some kind of hesitation or awkwardness but realized that he didn't feel anything at all, except the excitement to inform his princess about her next phase of life. He smiled and cleared his throat.

" Princess, there is something that you should know." When she turned her eager eyes towards him after switching off the television, he felt overwhelming love for his little girl flood up his heart. He silently sent a grateful thought towards his late wife and slowly began. "There comes a phase in the life of every girl, you know..." As she snuggled up close to him, he knew that 'The Talk' had lost the last bit of hesitation and awkwardness. Hugging her securely in his embrace, he told his princess about the phase of life that would eventually make her a Queen.